Reasons for My Résumé Gap More Reassuring to Employers Than Being a Stay-at-Home Dad

Took a break

Tried finding myself

Incarceration

Amnesia

Abduction

Lived off the grid

Invented a more powerful, iron-grip grid

Honed my mucho macho-ness

Joined a cult

Learned how to tie all the knots

Forgot how to open a Word doc

Watched birds, whether they liked it or not

Became the cult leader’s personal assistant

Lost myself in a daydream of being non-unionized

Wrote a book on being a profitable man’s man for men

Tripped and stayed on the floor for seven years

Worked so many billable hours that I realized the concept of time is a prison for feeble minds

Transferred to the kitchen at the cult because Glorious Leader said the gel pens I bought were “too scratchy”

Wordsmithed the most absolutely perfect email signature

Wandered the streets eight hours a day so I wouldn’t be considered a flake for doing domestic work around the house

Fought bees

Sewed three homemade face masks and refused to work until they all sold on Etsy

Wait, no, I mean… carved a figure of a jacked-up bald eagle and did pull-ups until it sold on eBay

Found a nice, floral IPA and really gave it a chance to breathe

After reflection and excessive corn husking—left a cult

Failed to create a start-up

Got buried alive and chose to savor the escape

Smuggled oil through the Strait of Hormuz

Labored to get the phrase “feckless deadbeat” out of my head

Cared for other people’s kids