If Starbucks Had Been Named After Other Characters from Moby-Dick

Ahabs

Toxic work environment. Employees never know when their shifts will be over. Owner makes a big deal of nailing the communal tip jar to the front counter but takes all the tips for himself at the end of the day. ADA-compliant.

Queequegs

The barista is always a hot tattooed guy with an asymmetrical haircut. In lieu of tips, you leave an offering at the altar of Yojo. If you and the boss touch foreheads, he will give you half his salary. Drink sizes are “Smallee,” “Biggee,” and “Coffin.”

Ishmaels

The guy at the counter will not shut up, so be prepared to wait while you learn about the geographic origins of the beans, every step of the milling and roasting process, and the childhood of the guy who invented the milk foamer. (And half of what he says is reportedly bullshit.) Never gives you the right drink, but it tastes so good that you won’t complain. If you wear a hat inside, it will be knocked off. Drink sizes are “Duodecimo,” “Octavo,” and “Folio.”

Pips

Has the best in-store playlists. Partnership with Fleece’s soul food. Serves coffee so strong that you’ll stop sleeping and think you can see God.

Tashtegos

Uses earthenware mugs so big that you could fall into them.

Daggoos

Serves fair-trade coffee. Chill atmosphere, but if you make that “I like my coffee the way I like my men…” joke, you’ll be thrown out on your ass. Drink sizes are “Tall,” “Very Tall,” and “NBA All-Star.”

Stubbs

Runs like a Cold Stone. Everyone is referred to as a “crew member” and sings shanties at you for tips. Avoid like the plague if you’re not a morning person, but the people who like it really like it.

Flasks

Serves espresso in itty bitty cups to make the owner’s hands look bigger. If you call your cup “cute,” he will physically fight you.

Father Mapples

Only one New Bedford location but gets a worldwide draw. Kitschy gimmick where the façade of the store looks like a ship. Owner gets salty if you complain about the Bible verses on the cups.

Fedallahs

Practically a speakeasy. Zero signage or advertising. Probably hidden under an abandoned Chili’s and accessible only by secret knock. Barista intuits your order by looking deep into your eyes.

Moby Dicks

In business since the dawn of time. Only serves flat whites. Never updates its facilities. Seemingly never open. Somehow still more profitable and famous than all of its competition.