My wife confessed her true love for another man after dementia diagnosis
DEAR DEIDRE: MY life has come crashing down after my wife told me she has always loved another man.
We have been married for 46 years.
The last few years have been hard as she has Alzheimer’s and I’ve struggled to see the woman I adore forget who she is and who we are.
I’d always thought for the most part we had been very happy together. But now I feel so lost.
Dementia takes away the person you thought you knew and loved, now this news adds a layer of hurt.
I realise people with dementia get confused but her revelation did ring true — and if true, our life together will have been a lie.
I’m 73, she is 69 and we have a daughter aged 45.
When we met I knew my wife had recently broken up with a boyfriend. Her parents didn’t like his family and insisted she split with him.
Get in touch with the Dear Deidre team
Every problem gets a personal reply from one of our trained counsellors.
Fill out and submit our easy-to-use and confidential form and the Dear Deidre team will get back to you.
You can also send a private message on the DearDeidreOfficial Facebook page.
In the early years, a friend told me to be careful, that he’d heard my wife, then girlfriend, held a candle for this other man.
She denied it and said she was happy with me.
Then a second time my friend warned me he’d heard my wife and this man had been seen together. Again I spoke to her and she reassured me.
That was more than 45 years ago and, although I have done my best to put it out of my mind, I have never forgotten what my friend said.
So when my wife muttered, “You know there was another I truly loved. The best,” I was shocked but thought of this man immediately.
I’m torturing myself . . . perhaps she did have an affair all those years ago. I’ve tried to find out more from her but she doesn’t make any sense.
How can I move on when I don’t know the truth?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Understandably, you are upset.
As your wife has advanced dementia, she may have been confusing memories. But dementia can also strip away inhibitions, so she may have been remembering how she felt decades ago.
The difficulty for you is accepting you may never learn the truth. But you have had many happy years together, so in practice your wife chose you.
It is a huge leap to go from what are in effect faded rumours to a full-blown affair.
Try to focus on the good times you shared with your wife.
For more support please go to the Alzheimer’s Society.
It has a relationships hub where you can find further help – alzheimers.org.uk.