Why God Decided Dogs Can’t Live as Long as People

Hey, it’s Me, God. Not to toot My own horn, but I think I’ve been knocking this creation thing out of the park. I mean, I’ve really got it all laid out. You guys are gonna love what I’ve done with the place. Wait until you see the constellations. There are so many different ways to make milk. Plus, you’re never going to believe where cashews come from.

But listen, there’s just one catch: I’ve decided dogs can’t live as long as people.

I know, I know. I spent hours mulling this over and weighing My options. Look, I created man’s best friend, didn’t I? I did that. For you. Because I love you. Can’t we just leave it at that?

You’re thinking, “Jeeze, God, why do elephants and sea turtles get to live so long, but not dogs?” Sure, fair question. At one point, I considered making it so no animals could live as long as people. Ultimately, though, I decided it was a bad idea.

All right, I don’t want to spoil anything, but there is a massive scientific discovery around AD 2400 that is directly linked to one man’s innate jealousy of sea turtles and his unwillingness to face his own mortality. This is important because it leads to a huge plot point in the evolutionary timeline, so to scrap that whole thing now would be a lot more work for Me, and I’m already under a lot of pressure. Also, I’m not saying humans are getting the ability to grow shells and increase their life span in 2432, but I’m not not saying that. You know, you’re the ones who go on and on about: “Oh, God has a plan. God has a plan.” Well, I do. And that’s the current plan in place.

Okay, thought-experiment time. I want you to imagine a world where dogs outlive the people who raised them. Not so great, is it? You thought things on your planet couldn’t get any sadder? Well, there you have it—the Ultimate Sad Earth. I’ve had a lot of bad ideas. I’ll be the first to admit that. That flood? Full on, My bad. Turns out Noah’s bloodline burns in the sun. But I can’t imagine a worse world than one where a golden retriever gets to watch his lifelong person, Gilbert, die from emphysema.

I contemplated deleting the concept of dogs altogether but felt guilty about forgetting to give you all a life purpose. I got so excited and wrapped up in My whole creation rollout that I let some things slip, like giving you a clearly defined reason for existing. Hey, nobody’s perfect. Especially you guys. (Remember the apple thing? I sure do.) But it’s okay, you see, because I gave you dogs to make up for it. I even took away that gene in them that causes meanness. So all they’re capable of is loving you. Just like Me.

I’m realizing now I probably should’ve taken the meanness out of your species, too, because I can sense you’re still mad. Trust Me, I’m the one that created passive aggressiveness. Remember when I forgave you for all your sins? Well, feel free to extend that same courtesy to Me.

And no, I’m not taking any questions about cats. They’re a whole different thing. But between you and Me, I haven’t figured them out either.