I feel used as my husband’s need for kinky sex is becoming more extreme
DEAR DEIDRE: WHEN my partner suggested we add some mild S&M to our relationship, I was only too happy to oblige.
But now his demands for kinky sex are becoming more extreme, and I feel used and unloved.
We’ve been together for five years. I’m 29 and he’s 31.
He’s always had a high sex drive, as have I, so for the first few years of our relationship, I’d have said our sex life was great.
We’d do it all over the house — in the kitchen, bathroom, living room and garden — and in more risky places too, like the local park and on the beach.
It didn’t take much to turn me on, although if I’m honest, sometimes I wished he’d be a little more gentle and indulge in a bit more foreplay.
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About a year ago, he asked if he could tie me up and spank me with various implements.
I agreed. It was fine at first as I quite enjoyed it, but then he wanted to push it further.
He started tying me up so tight it cut off the circulation to my hands and feet.
He’d spank me so hard he left marks, and he’d pull my hair.
When I told him that made me feel uncomfortable, he sulked and acted like I was being boring.
I don’t like pain or danger and I don’t understand why, if he loves me, he wants to do things that I find unpleasant.
There are times I just want to make love, but he only seems to want sex that is dangerous or out of the ordinary. And that can make it feel like he wants physical satisfaction, rather than me.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Once some people get a taste for risky sex, they often need to push it to extremes to continue finding it exciting. But while you agreed to be adventurous, you did not consent to being hurt.
Your partner has pushed the boundaries too far. He’s being both selfish and abusive.
You must be clear about your feelings and tell him his need for kinky sex is spoiling your relationship.
My support pack, Standing Up For Yourself, should help you to do this. The one on Kinky Sex Worries would also be useful for you both to read.
If he won’t respect your wishes or compromise, then perhaps you need to consider ending the relationship.
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