How to Respond When the Dentist Asks If You’ve Been Flossing

“You should never ask a lady that.”

“Why? Did someone say something?”

“I can’t say that I haven’t not been flossing.”

“Yes… Oh, my teeth? No.”

“Are you going to put your hand in my mouth and feel around?”

“I’m so glad you brought it up. Do you want to discuss this over a couple of root beers?”

“Oh, I was going to ask you about that. I couldn’t remember if we were supposed to floss or supposed to not floss? It’s the first one, right?”

“I lost all my floss in the Great Molasses Flood of 1919.”

“I know that the second I open my mouth it’s going to be painfully obvious that I haven’t been, but I’m probably just going to say yes anyways and make the rest of this appointment weird and awkward for both of us.”

“I’ve been meaning to start that for a while now. Do you recommend it? I’ll definitely put it on my list.”

“I’m afraid my gums will slide off my teeth the way the meat slides off a rack of baby back ribs.”

“Shauna told me I didn’t have to.”

“What are you—the teeth police?”

“Have you??? Yeah, I can tell. Your teeth look sublime.”

“Logically, I understand that you’re only asking me this because you’re a dental professional trying to help me avoid things like cavities and gum disease and that you have no real stake in my answer, but I still can’t shake this deep-seated need I have to please you. So… yes?”