Features of Homes That I Would Absolutely Settle for in This Housing Market
Broken boiler
Combination washing machine-stove
Bathroom with three sinks and no toilet
Twin ghosts
Banging pipes that sound like the weeping of an old Italian widow
Former home of sex cult
Current home of sex cult
No roof
No walls
No floors
Tile-eating termites
Shag ceiling
Built on quicksand
Foundation is gum
Landlord is snakes
Infestation of spunky mice with strong design opinions
Soaking-wet basement
Man living in crawl space (category: kind eyes)
Man living in crawl space (category: lust for blood)
Comes with previous owner’s Komodo dragon, who will only sleep in my baby’s crib
Down payment of both kidneys
Mold that enters my brain, causes me to lose touch with reality, and makes me think I’m a sun-dried tomato
Venetian plaster