I ran back to my wife after an affair but now I’m regretting it
DEAR DEIDRE: I LEFT my wife and family for a woman I was having an intense sexual affair with.
But the financial pressure to support everyone got too much for me, so I went back to my wife. A year on, I know I made the wrong decision. Yet now it’s too late.
I’m 45, my wife is 43 and our kids are 13 and 11. My ex-lover is 32.
After years of being unhappily married, with no sex life, I met my lover on a training course.
Our affair wasn’t just about great sex. She gave me everything that had been missing in my marriage — conversation, affection, support.
I wrestled with my conscience for months. Eventually, I decided to tell my wife and children I was leaving.
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I said my wife could keep the house, and I’d provide for my kids and see them at weekends.
I then moved in with my lover, intending to marry her once my divorce came through.
My wife was heartbroken and the children were upset but slowly, everyone started to get used to the new situation.
But even though I was happy, I felt under pressure to support my wife and kids and pay the rent and bills in my new home.
My lover got annoyed when I said I didn’t have cash because I had given it to my ex. It all got too much and eventually, I broke down and told my lover I had made a mistake.
I said the same to my wife and children, begging for their forgiveness.
But I have regretted my decision ever since.
I miss my lover — my soulmate — but she won’t have me back. And I can’t hurt my wife and children again.
So now I’m trapped once more in an unhappy marriage.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Hard as it is, sometimes we have to own our decisions, even if we start to regret them in the long term.
You did what you thought was right at the time and it’s very possible you’ve started to forget the very real reasons you went back.
You can’t go back. As you say, your lover has moved on, and it would be cruel to mess your wife and your children around again.
Instead, work on making your marriage better if possible.
If not, mutually agree to separate. It would help you to talk to a counsellor about your feelings. See my support pack about this.