The 8 post-sex mistakes to avoid from falling asleep to small talk & why it’s the wrong time to nag
HAVING sex is a great way to show how you feel about someone.
However, how you act immediately after the act is also just as important for your relationship.
And it turns out there are some habits we’re all unwittingly guilty of doing that could really be having a negative impact.
Here, Intimacy Coach Holly Robinson shares her nine top tips to ensure you both stay content and close long after sex – and what you absolutely shouldn’t do in the moments immediately afterwards…
No negativity
While it’s important to express what your turn ons – and offs – are with your partner, Holly says it’s important not to share negative feedback immediately after ‘the deed’.
She says: “Although communication about our sex life is absolutely vital to an amazing sexual relationship, the moments after sex are a space to share what you loved about it, not what you would like to be different.
“After sex, we are vulnerable and often highly sensitive to anything that could be taken as criticism.
“So this is your space to share what you loved – save the rest for another time.”
Read the room
There’s a saying ‘a lady in the streets, a freak in the sheets’ – but it’s important not to mix up the two.
Meaning, how you behave during sex, whether it’s through dirty talk or role playing, doesn’t equate to how you want to be treated afterwards, so don’t confuse the two.
Holly says: “If you have just explored kinky sex or something a little out of the box, you are going to want some gentle aftercare and kind words.
“When sexual energy is high, pushing into our edges can be highly arousing.
“You might love being called something during sex, but to be called it after and you might get a very different reaction.”
Don’t abandon ship
If you jump straight out of bed after sex or turn your back on your partner and instantly fall asleep, you might leave them feeling rejected.
Holly says: “The energy transfer created in sex continues well after sex has finished.
“So, choosing to stay connected to each other allows more hormones to flow, such as rushes of oxytocin.
“If you’re all hot and sweaty, holding hands will do.
“We all need different things after sex, so discussing our personal needs is key here.”
Phone faux pas
This one is a huge no-no, but one almost everyone will have been guilty of doing at some point.
Holly says: “Phones and all technology create a complete disconnect from our present moment and our bodies.
“Gaining full consciousness takes up to 15 minutes after burying your head into a screen.
“That’s why going on your phone straight after having sex is the ultimate disconnection from your partner.
“Avoid doing it at all costs.”
Avoid the ‘Ex Files’
This may seem obvious, but do not, under any circumstances, bring up a former flame after making love.
Holly says: “After sex is not the space to mention an ex-partner or a past sexual experience.
“Although I am pro-openness within a relationship, sharing our past experiences after sex isn’t the time to do it.
“It will possibly leave your partner questioning why that was at the forefront of your mind instantly after your sex together.”
A time and a place
Nothing is hotter in sex than feeling completely safe with a partner – but there’s a time and a place for certain comments and humour, and immediately after sex may not be it.
Holly says: “I think laughing and being playful in sex is amazing, but we need to be really mindful that we never make our partner feel self-conscious or judged, or it could result in them shutting down.
“Any passive comments like “well, it’s been a while” are an absolute no-go.”
Avoid chore chat
After sex, you might feel tempted to jump straight back into your busy mind, and plough on with your to-do list – but don’t.
Holly says: “After sex should be a peaceful space to be together and enjoy what you have just experienced.
“Aim not to start talking about that deadline for your work project, or the kid’s sleep routine.
“Definitely don’t remind him to put the bins out – now is not the time.”
Apres sex
It’s also important not to assume how your partner may feel after sex too, and allow them the space to do what feels right for them.
Holly says: “After an orgasm, your partner could feel depleted, while you may feel energised, and that’s OK.
“If you want to jump up and start doing bedtime yoga, don’t be offended if your partner wants to sleep, or vice versa.”