We Need to Save the Men

Men are so disaffected right now. We must affect them again. I’m not sure what that means, but I know the future of democracy depends on it.

There’s no denying how poorly men are doing—this has been true for decades. The educational and professional advancement of women has been awful for men, and it’s forced them to take dramatic steps like considering going to therapy. It’s all just a disaster.

Still, despite its long roots, the Male Crisis has undoubtedly worsened in recent weeks. If I had to guess why, I’d say it has something to do with their support of Trump and how that made them utterly repellant to many women in a self-enforcing doom loop that leads to isolation, depression, and sexual frustration.

But I’m just spitballing. It could be anything. All I know is we need to save them.

Some women are even renouncing sex with men. Can you believe that? Apparently, this has always been true and is called “lesbianism,” but still.

Men are drowning socially. Everyone thinks they have the answer, but no one actually talks to men. Fortunately, I heard that the New York Times is about to send a reporter to talk to eight men in a diner, so we should know more soon. And then we can save them.

It’s an intractable issue. Nothing we’ve given men so far—more power, more money, complete bodily autonomy, apps that offer on-demand dates, fancy iPhones, innumerable prestige TV shows, and an entire subgenre of fun podcasts that promise infinite lifespans—has helped.

The problem is that no one suggests policies that would help men. They just stick to the old favorites like “a higher minimum wage” and “expanded healthcare access,” as though men care about those things. If we really want to reach men, we must deregulate crypto, a famously over-regulated industry.

I’m pretty sure the problem with men is they live in the Manosphere. And the problem with the Manosphere is I have no idea where that is. But I know it has something to do with creatine powder, so maybe we should try to buy up a creatine company and turn the powder pink? Could Pink Creatine Powder be the new Pink Pussy Hats? Anything to save the men.

Or if you see a man out in public, you could try bellowing, “I’M GONNA AFFECT YOU,” until he breaks down and apologizes for voting for Trump.

Or maybe a game of Boggle that’s rigged in their favor? I can’t be the only one who’s noticed the correlation between Boggle’s popularity and men’s downfall. Everyone gets tired of losing, eventually.

“Ban Boggle! Save the Men!” That slogan could work.

“Pod Save the Men”? I don’t know. It’s worth pitching, at least—no bad ideas in this brainstorm.

“It’s Raining Broken Men!”? Grab an umbrella, pick them all up, and fix the wet, broken men.

If all else fails, we could offer all men another round of breastfeeding. It sounds gross, but consider the alternative: disaffected men everywhere, forever.

We’ve got to save the men.