Trump Appoints Self To Divine Muses
WASHINGTON—Claiming that his longstanding interest in the arts made him a perfect fit for the role, President Donald Trump announced Tuesday that he had appointed himself to the divine muses. “Many are saying these nine inspirational goddesses have become beholden to DEI and woke ideology, so I’m ascending Mount Helicon as a muse to make sure literature, science, and music continue to serve the American people,” Trump said during a press conference, adding that in his position as the 10th muse, he would embody the practices of pastoral poetry and late-night posting sprees on Truth Social. “Buskin-shod Melpomene must be doing very well, because it’s a tragedy what’s happened to the muses. Calliope is turning epic poetry into a Marxist nightmare, and Terpsichore, it’s so sad what she’s doing to chorus and dance, isn’t it, folks? And what happened to Euterpe? Good old Euterpe, we loved Euterpe. But the flutes now, they’re terrible, so we’re going in and fixing it. I actually had a great relationship with the Titaness Mnemosyne in the 1980s, and she used to say, ‘Donald, we need someone like you in the muses to keep my daughters in line.’ So it’s happening. I’m in charge, and together we’re going to make Boeotia great again.” At press time, Trump had reportedly been transformed into a magpie after boasting that the Kennedy Center could stage a production of The Phantom Of The Opera more beautifully than the nine original muses.
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