'My Teenager Won't Go To School. Where Do I Go From Here?'
Anxiety appears to be a huge driver behind why some children and teenagers aren’t going to school.
A survey by youth mental health charity stem4 found more than one-quarter (28%) of 12- to 18-year-olds hadn’t attended school in 2023-24 because of it, the Guardian previously reported.
Sometimes dubbed ‘school refusal’, ‘emotionally-based school avoidance (ESBA)’ or ‘anxiety-related absence’, the issue can leave parents feeling “awful” for forcing their children to attend, not to mention worried for their child’s wellbeing. But often they don’t know what else to do.
Child and educational psychologist Dr Emily Crosby says it’s important for parents in this position to “normalise” any feelings of anxiety around attending school, especially for teenagers.
“It is a huge jump from small primary schools with the same class teacher to the increased demands of secondary schools with different classrooms, teachers and increased demands on independence which relies heavily on executive functioning skills, which teenagers are still developing,” she told HuffPost UK.
What causes teens to feel anxious about school?
At the same time as normalising these feelings and behaviours, the psychologist urged parents to try to get to the bottom of any factors that might be influencing this anxiety and avoidance.
These might include friendship difficulties, bullying, sense of belonging issues or even the increased demand of school work, said the psychologist.
And it’s not just school-based issues that could be playing a role: “Some teenagers may be worried about their home situations especially if there’s been bereavement, parental separation, financial issues or parental mental health issues.”
If a teenager is neurodiverse, the leap from primary school – which tends to have a slower-paced, more nurturing environment – to secondary school can be overwhelming.
And lastly, they simply might not feel that school is equipping them for what they want to do when they enter the world of work, noted the expert.
“I feel this is more common in today’s current context due to the change in careers young people are embarking on in the online world, for example, which the curriculum does not necessarily prepare them for,” she said.
Of course, teens aren’t always the most forthcoming so it may be a struggle to get to the bottom of why they don’t want to go. They might not fully realise why they’re feeling this way themselves.
What is the best way a parent can show up for their child throughout this?
Instead of being defensive, ignoring your teen’s feelings or placing demands on them straight away, Dr Crosby advises parents to be “open and curious, and meet their child with empathy”.
“Parents must offer a space to their children where they listen to their worries. Whilst their child may not always share their worries straight away, just offering them their unconditional attention through active listening with no distractions can be crucial in whether teens open up to their parents,” she added.
Therapists previously told HuffPost UK that creating a space that feels emotionally safe and low-pressured is important to help teens open up.
Make conversation by asking open-ended and emotionally neutral questions and statements. You could say something like: “How’s everything going lately?” or “How are things feeling for you at school/with friends/life right now?”. And then really listen.
BACP-accredited therapist Lauren Young also suggested resisting the urge to fix everything for teens and instead, validating their feelings and thanking them for trusting you if they come to you with a problem.
All of this can help teenagers know that you’re there for them. As BACP-accredited member and psychotherapist Debbie Keenan told us: “Sometimes, the goal isn’t to get your teen to ‘open up’ immediately, but to remind them that they’re not alone, that emotions are valid, and that you’re a reliable presence in their life.
“Trust is built in the quiet, everyday moments, often more than in the big talks.”
As well as building this trust and opening up conversation, Dr Crosby urges parents to talk to schools, services and teachers “as this can be a very hard time for all involved, in an extremely resource-stretched system, and it is important that teenagers see their parents and schools working together”.
Charity Young Minds recommends telling the school about the specific things your child is finding difficult and also asking their teacher(s) about anything they’ve noticed. Getting a note from your child’s GP, CAMHS or another mental health professional can also be helpful to show why your child isn’t at school.
“If you and your child have already identified some things that might help, ask for specific changes,” adds the charity. “If you’re not sure where to start, ask what changes the school can offer...” You can also ask for these changes to be formalised in an Individual Education Plan. It might also be helpful to schedule check-ins with the school so you can assess how your child is getting on.
During this period of uncertainty and disruption, Dr Crosby advises parents to keep life and routine “as normal as possible with clear expectations of them still attending school, but in a more manageable way”.
As part of this, she said it’s important that parents manage their own feelings of anxiety around their child not wanting to attend school. “Keeping a balanced, non-reactive attitude at all times is essential,” she added.
Useful links:
Help and support:
- Mind, open Monday to Friday, 9am-6pm on 0300 123 3393.
- Samaritans offers a listening service which is open 24 hours a day, on 116 123 (UK and ROI - this number is FREE to call and will not appear on your phone bill).
- CALM (the Campaign Against Living Miserably) offer a helpline open 5pm-midnight, 365 days a year, on 0800 58 58 58, and a webchat service.
- The Mix is a free support service for people under 25. Call 0808 808 4994 or email help@themix.org.uk
- Rethink Mental Illness offers practical help through its advice line which can be reached on 0808 801 0525 (Monday to Friday 10am-4pm). More info can be found on rethink.org.