Health Experts Warn Americans Not Sensually Eating Enough Fruit

CHICAGO—Calling attention to the startling lack of tied-up cherry stems in the average diet, health experts from the American Medical Association warned Tuesday that Americans were not sensually eating enough fruit. “While it’s recommended that adults erotically suck on at least two pieces of fruit daily, many people are falling far short of that,” said Dr. Logan Toledano, emphasizing how essential it is for overall health and well-being to sumptuously lick a strawberry in a slow, circular motion before taking a big, wet bite. “Over the past 20 years, we’ve seen a marked decline in the amount of peach juice dripping down cleavage. While some might prefer to run their tongue up and down a melting ice cream cone or eat sushi off a bare stomach, there’s simply no replacement for moaning with tantalizing pleasure while eating grapes.” Toledano added that Americans could easily introduce more succulent fruit into their diet by deep-throating a banana.

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