Counsellors Are Seeing A Rise In 'Nacho Parenting' – And It's Fine, Until It Isn't

This article features parenting and relationship advice from counsellor Aimee Righton and psychotherapist Debbie Keenan. 

Counsellors and therapists are noticing a trend among blended families where stepparents will take on more of a ‘nacho parent’ role. 

Per Pop Sugar, in very basic terms it means “not your kid, not your problem” – so if someone’s stepchild is acting out, the stepparent would take a step back and not get involved with disciplining them or asserting authority, leaving that instead to the child’s biological parent.

“In many cases this is not even a formally agreed parenting strategy but rather something that evolves naturally within the family dynamic as adults attempt to reduce conflict or tension between the stepparent and the child,” says Counselling Directory member Aimee Righton.

While she is noticing the trend more and more in her work – “this is something that is appearing more often in my private practice and increasingly within wider society,” she tells HuffPost UK – she acknowledges it can be “a rather non-committal approach” that carries both positive and negative consequences for wider family relationships.

Let’s dive into why this might be... 

The pros of nacho parenting

Connection is hugely important for children – and by taking a step back, stepparents can focus on this during what will probably be quite a tricky time for kids. 

Activities centred around shared interests, and everyday interaction, can all help to allow the child to become familiar with the new adult without feeling that their existing family structure is being replaced or overridden, suggests Righton.

Conversely, if a stepparent were to move too quickly into a disciplinary or authoritative role, it might feel intrusive or threatening to the child and may lead to resistance or resentment. “In many cases this can damage the possibility of developing a trusting relationship in the future,” adds the counsellor.

Like Righton, psychotherapist Debbie Keenan, who is also a member of Counselling Directory, sees nacho parenting as a “useful initial approach for stepparents entering blended families” because it allows the stepparent to focus on building trust and connection with the stepchildren.

“The positives are that the stepparent isn’t seen as the ‘bad parent’,” she tells HuffPost UK. “It allows the stepparent to embed compassion and empathy into the relationship, while supporting the biological parents’ authority.”

But while it might help reduce conflict early on, both experts don’t necessarily recommend ‘nacho parenting’ as a long-term strategy.

The cons associated with nacho parenting

When this approach isn’t openly discussed or consciously chosen, it can create confusion around roles and emotional responsibility within the family.

“From a child’s perspective, the presence of an adult who does not respond in ways they typically expect from adults can be confusing or unsettling,” says Righton.

Kids might say/think: “I really act out in front of my stepdad and he doesn’t care – I can do whatever I like.” Or, “My stepmum hates me, she is always leaving the room whenever anything big is going on in my life.”

Righton continues: “A child will question why this adult in their home does not correct behaviour, enforce rules, or respond to situations in the same way other adults do. This can lead to feelings of uncertainty, bewilderment, or even rejection.”

Children might also try to play parents off against each other, and Keenan adds there is a danger that the stepparent’s role/authority becomes undermined, especially if they are not putting boundaries and consequences in place for bad behaviour.

While nacho parenting might initially reduce tension in the romantic relationship; over time, cracks may start to show.

“When implemented without open conversation and thoughtful discussion, this style of parenting can have a detrimental impact on the romantic relationship between the adults,” says Righton.

“The biological parent may perceive the stepparent’s withdrawal from parenting responsibilities as a lack of commitment to the family unit. In some situations it can feel as though the message being communicated is that ‘your children are not my responsibility’.”

Obviously this can cause emotional distance between partners, particularly if one parent feels they are doing the lion’s share of parenting, while the other doesn’t get involved. This is when resentment can creep in thick and fast. 

The key to navigating this successfully

If ‘nacho parenting’ occurs unconsciously or without reflection, “the doubt it creates can place strain on both the couple’s relationship and the developing bonds within the blended family, often causing irreparable rupture in family systems,” concludes Righton. 

Unsurprisingly then, communication really is the key to getting it right. “For blended families to navigate this successfully, ongoing dialogue between both the adults and children is essential,” she continues.

“When the approach is discussed openly and adapted to the needs of all, it may serve as a temporary framework while relationships develop. Family meetings (even blended family meetings) are key to this.”

Over time then, as trust develops, stepparents might want to naturally take on more responsibility within the family, without the relationship feeling forced.