Miss Manners: Should I reveal my suspicions about how my ex died?
My insight might be useful to his family.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I found out through friends that my ex-husband had passed on. We had not been in touch for many years, though I had kept track of him through the internet.
I wrote a condolence note to his brother, saying I was glad things had seemed to be going well for my ex prior to his passing. His brother wrote back and said that that wasn’t the case, and also that his heart had just stopped and they’d probably never know why he died.
My immediate thought was that he probably took some drugs that had been laced with fentanyl. It wasn’t a secret that he’d used drugs, at least decades ago when I knew him (though I don’t know if that was still the case).
I want to write back and apologize for misunderstanding what was going on in my ex’s life. Would it be uncouth to mention my suspicions? I don’t know that it would matter, but it might, if they wanted to pursue it.
GENTLE READER: There is no proper way to say, “I am sorry for your loss, but actually it’s worse than you think.”
Miss Manners recommends that you not attempt it, especially as your theory is just a suspicion — and one based on something that was not a secret, at that. It may well be a path that the family has already decided not to pursue.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I recently performed at an art gallery. After performing, the owner of the gallery told me he loved my work, then gave me one of his paintings.
I was extremely flattered and humbled, but when I got to my car, I realized I had a problem: The art is too large for a wall in my apartment.
I think returning it may be hurtful. I don’t want to offend this incredibly talented — not to mention generous — person, but I don’t know what to do with the painting in order for it to be properly appreciated. I am also nervous the artist may somehow find out (i.e., ask for a picture of it in my apartment).
Please let me know how to go about solving this predicament. I realize I should have mentioned it was too large, but I was so flustered by the kindness and generosity that it slipped my mind.
GENTLE READER: And yet the painting fit in your car? Miss Manners is having trouble picturing this, but will take you at your word and move past it.
This is a rare case where telling the truth about why you are not using a present is perfectly polite: “I am afraid that I did not have the wall space for your beautiful painting in my apartment. But I have put it in storage/lent it to a friend until such time as I can upgrade and reasonably hang it.”
If the artist then suggests that he hold it for you himself, you may certainly comply.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: Do you give hostess gifts for a baby shower?
GENTLE READER: Not unless the hostess is showering herself. Or hosting a shower for herself. Either one would be rude.
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.