Harriette Cole: I’m sorry my friend is mad, but she brought this on herself

DEAR HARRIETTE: My friend has always made comments about my weight, saying that I’m too skinny and that I should eat more.

At first, I tried to laugh it off or change the subject, but over time, it started to really bother me. I have felt self-conscious and frustrated, and I didn’t know how to tell her how hurtful her remarks were.

Recently, I finally snapped and told her she should eat less, thinking it would make her understand how it feels to have someone criticize your body. Now she’s really mad at me, and I feel guilty for what I said, even though I also feel like she has crossed a line by constantly commenting on my appearance.

I don’t want to lose our friendship, but I also don’t want to continue tolerating hurtful behavior. I’ve tried explaining why her comments hurt me, but she doesn’t seem to understand my perspective.

I’m not sure how to move forward without damaging the friendship or letting her continue to make me feel bad about myself. How can I address this situation in a way that sets clear boundaries, helps her understand my perspective and repairs the friendship?

— Ridiculed

DEAR RIDICULED: Lashing out at her didn’t work because it simply hurt her without giving her cause for self-reflection. You need to talk to her.

You can apologize for talking about her weight and admit that you constantly feel hurt by how she speaks about yours. Tell her it makes you feel uncomfortable and judged.

Chances are, she has no clue. People often think it’s fair game to talk about thin people but out of bounds to talk about overweight people. Neither is OK.

Politely ask her to stop, and remind her whenever she slips up.

DEAR HARRIETTE: At the beginning of this month, I received some awful news. My company is going through some things and will be consolidating jobs.

They told me and nearly 200 other colleagues that we are being laid off at the end of the month.

They wanted to give us time to prepare, and in this economy, I appreciate that. I’ve started looking for new positions, but I am noticing that companies are now offering much lower salaries than they were in years past.

Based on the economic state we’re in, I can’t afford to take a pay cut. At the same time, I’m not sure I can afford to play hardball and miss these opportunities.

How do I balance being undervalued with the risk of being indefinitely unemployed? How can I gauge when to take the bait versus when to fight a little harder and hope for something better?

— Job Market

DEAR JOB MARKET: Read the tea leaves, so to speak.

It is true that many workers are being undervalued in terms of pay these days — unfair, but too often true. Do your best to negotiate, but don’t wait too long.

You know your job ends soon. It’s much easier to look for a job and negotiate while you have a job, so accept something sooner rather than later, even if you choose to keep looking for something better.

Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.