Harriette Cole: I’m in my 30s, and that’s too old to date a man who acts like this
DEAR HARRIETTE: My boyfriend really upset me recently. We made plans to go out to a restaurant that I’ve been looking forward to for weeks; it was special to me, and he knew how excited I was.
The day before our reservation, he canceled because he “forgot” he had plans with a friend to go to some EDM event. Not only did he cancel at the last minute, but he didn’t make any effort to reschedule or acknowledge how disappointing that was.
Now it’s been four days with no communication at all, and I’m sitting here feeling like an afterthought.
I’m a woman in my 30s, and I’m too old to date a man who acts like he barely likes me or can’t prioritize our relationship. I don’t want to waste my time on someone who doesn’t show up emotionally or follow through.
If he does reach out, I’m torn. Should I ghost him and protect my peace? Should I have a real conversation about how his behavior made me feel and see if there’s any hope in fixing things? Or should I be clear that I’m no longer interested and walk away for good?
I’m struggling to figure out what the healthiest option is for me.
— Is He Worth It?
DEAR IS HE WORTH IT?: Be the adult here and make the effort to nip it in the bud.
Reach out and tell him you need to talk. When you speak — preferably in person — tell him how disappointed you are in how he treated you. Go for the big picture. Ask him what he wants from your relationship. Tell him what you want.
If he is unwilling or unable to step up, that’s your cue to walk.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I tend to speak my mind — I blurt out whatever I’m thinking. It gets worse when I am tired.
The other day, I hung out late with friends and had to work the next day. A co-worker did something stupid, and I snapped at her. I had no patience for her, though often I do. I think I hurt her feelings even though what she did was ignorant.
Should I apologize to her? What can I do to keep things to myself more?
— Bite My Tongue
DEAR BITE MY TONGUE: You should pull your co-worker aside and apologize for being harsh. Explain that you were on a short fuse that day and didn’t mean to snap at her. It doesn’t matter whether she was wrong — it will be kind for you to acknowledge your short temper.
In general, you already know that you need to get ample rest. Some people function well for a while even when they are tired. You are not one of those people. Take care of yourself to ensure that you do not cause backlash because of your lack of control.
Other things you can do in the moment include taking a deep breath before you speak and considering if this is the best thing for you to say right now.
I learned something from the poet Rumi called “The Four Gateways of Speech” that might help you. Before speaking, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it necessary? Is it timely? Is it kind? Don’t speak unless the answer to each of those questions is yes.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.