Parenting Is Toughest in These States, Finds a New Survey — and for Reasons You May Not Expect

I always wonder if everyone else has cracked some secret code to raising capable, well-adjusted kids without feeling constantly unsure. I will admit, I parent reluctantly, constantly asking myself, “Am I doing this right?” And now, as if lacking confidence were not enough to make me — and plenty of others — question our parenting skills, it turns out that where we live may also shape that feeling.

A new nationwide survey from the Institute for Family Studies looked at nearly 24,000 parents across the U.S. — covering more than 40,000 children including 2,600 teens) — and found a complex picture. The organization created state-by-state “maps” of American parenting to understand two things: how kids are doing and how parents are feeling.

For the survey, researchers created two separate scores:

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Findings show that the states where kids scored highest on “resilient childhood” often had lower scores for how pleasant parenting feels. In other words, in some places where kids appear to be thriving in healthy, independent ways, parents are more likely to report that parenting feels harder. Feels contrary, right? 

According to the report, the states that ranked high for resilient childhoods include: Hawaii, Maine, Maryland, North Dakota, Rhode Island, and Utah — places where children are more likely to have strong social ties, more independence, and less reliance on screens.

But to reiterate the earlier point, these are not where parents have high levels of ease or satisfaction. Those states were: Alabama, Alaska, Georgia, Illinois, New Hampshire, and South Carolina.

So what does it all mean? According to the report, “Where parents are creating autonomous, independent, social, screen-lite childhoods, parenting is harder and feels more isolating.”  

It suggests that raising kids in ways we believe are healthiest (you know, encouraging independence, limiting screens, building strong peer connections) can take a lot of emotional energy on the parents. Sometimes that effort doesn’t come with a built-in support system, which can make it feel like we parents are swimming upstream. 

What I’m taking away from this study is that sometimes the effort parents pour in doesn’t translate into feeling supported or confident, even if their kids are thriving. Maybe the real story here is that parenting effort and parenting ease aren’t the same thing. You can be doing all the “right” things, and maybe that’s what’s making you feel stretched thin.

Interestingly, the researchers behind the survey point out that these patterns don’t neatly follow red vs. blue states, urban vs. rural divides, or simple income differences. Instead, parenting culture — expectations, norms, community habits — seems to play the biggest role in how supported parents feel. And that totally tracks for me. If the families around you have similar routines, values, and rhythms, parenting can feel quite collaborative. I’m lucky enough to have found a community that mirrors this. If you feel like you’re constantly making choices that look different from everyone else’s around you, it can feel quite isolating, even if your kids are doing well.

Regardless, I leave you with this… Parenting can feel hardest not when kids are struggling, but when parents are working hard to build something intentional and resilient. That tension between what we hope childhood looks like and how exhausting it can be to create it shows up in this data. If parenting feels heavy some days, it doesn’t automatically mean you’re doing it wrong. (That’s comforting!) It just means you care deeply about the kind of childhood you’re trying to build.