Dear Abby: Mother keeps a tight rein on boy and his grandma
DEAR ABBY: My daughter won't allow me to have a relationship with my toddler grandson without constantly interfering. Everything is "no." She says things like: "Don't bring him a toy every time you come over — no more toys. No TV. Don't play the (kids) music too loud. No, he cannot go outside; there are bugs or it's too hot. Don't give him milk now. Don't give him a snack."
I have to ask her permission for everything, and it is so stressful. When I tell her, "But you buy him toys," she responds, "Well, I'm the mother." It seems almost bizarrely competitive. She's exhausting. Does she have the right to disrupt my relationship with my only grandchild in this way? — CONTROLLED GRANDMA IN FLORIDA
DEAR GRANDMA: I'm afraid she does. Not knowing your daughter, I can't explain why she is determined to prevent you from spoiling your grandson. Perhaps she fears that he will love you more than he loves her. Whatever her reason, if you want to have a relationship with that child, you are going to have to accept her "house rules."
DEAR ABBY: My son is hosting a reception for 30 guests at his home for his daughter's (my granddaughter's) wedding. It will be a professionally catered sit-down dinner complete with a professional bartender. In your opinion, what is the protocol for tipping a bartender who will be paid handsomely by the company who employs him? The company is charging my son a steep hourly rate.
Some think it is fine for this employee to have a tip jar at the bar. Others say it would be "tacky" to expect family and friends to tip above and beyond what my son is already paying, plus tipping him privately. Please share your wisdom so we can put this unpleasant subject to rest. — ALREADY PAYING ENOUGH IN NEVADA
DEAR ALREADY PAYING: The reception is a PRIVATE event. The bartender is being compensated ("handsomely" or not) by the company that employs him. Your son will also be tipping him. I wholeheartedly agree with the others who have told you a tip jar would be "tacky."
DEAR ABBY: When I take something to a potluck, I assume any leftovers stay with the host unless they are offered to people to take home. Sometimes, there's so much food at a potluck that some of the contributions are barely touched.
I have spent time and money preparing food and I hate to see it thrown away. Would it be weird, rude or socially uncool to ask to take my contribution home with me if it's not perishable? — HATES WASTE IN WASHINGTON
DEAR HATES WASTE: If your contribution to the potluck is barely touched, it would not be weird, rude or socially unacceptable to ask your hosts if you can take it home with you. But do offer to leave a portion for them if they wish.
Dear Abby is written by Abigail Van Buren, also known as Jeanne Phillips, and was founded by her mother, Pauline Phillips. Contact Dear Abby at www.DearAbby.com or P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send your name and mailing address, plus check or money order for $8 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby — Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 446, Kings Mills, OH 45034-0446. (Shipping and handling are included in the price.)