Mariah Carey Doesn’t See Any Reason to Go to Space
Mariah Carey has given us so much: whistle notes, lyrics that double as vocabulary lessons, several perfect albums, and timelessly relevant quotes like “I don’t know her” and “I’m eternally 12.” In return, the least we could have done was not make her learn about the Blue Origin space trip. Alas, that knowledge has now been thrust upon her. In a clip from BBC Radio 2’s The Scott Mills Breakfast Show that aired Thursday, Carey learned for the first time that Katy Perry went to space. Host Scott Mills decided to ask Carey if she’d want to go to space “like Katy Perry did.” Scott, nooooo! “Did she go to space? Where’d she go?” Carey asked. When he confirmed that, yes, Perry did make a 12-minute journey into orbit, Carey responded, “She’s, like, floating in the … and this is true?”
It’s impressive — nay, miraculous — that Carey has thus far managed to keep all things Blue Origin far away from her mind palace. I know that moat is deep and the drawbridge allows nothing but the most pertinent information to enter. Perhaps she has a ban on Bezos–adjacent news alerts, or maybe space reminds her too much of the passage of time. Whatever the case, I envy her naïveté when it comes to this matter.
While it’s unfortunate that she was asked to consider going to space at all, we can all rest assured that Carey’s high heels will remain firmly on the ground. After Mills asked her again if she, too, would like to go to space, she told him, “I think I’ve done enough,” with a light chuckle. Not only is that the most diplomatic way to say “absolutely fucking not,” it’s also true. This woman could easily live off “All I Want for Christmas Is You” royalties for the rest of her days, and instead, she’s churned out 15 — soon to be 16 — whole albums. She signed Rihanna’s boob! Personally, I’m just grateful she’s continuing to grace us with her earthly presence.