I’m desperate to show my children how much I love them after walking out on them 30 years ago
DEAR DEIDRE: HOW do I undo the damage I caused to my children when I walked out on them 30 years ago?
They now have children of their own, who I’ve never seen, and my heart is broken. I’m 72 and my four children from my first marriage are now in their late-30s and early-40s.
My ex-wife and I divorced over 30 years ago, when my youngest son was only five years old.
At first, I had joint custody of my children, but their mother used them to control me and it took a toll on my mental health.
She would refuse to drop them off at my house or let me pick them up, and sometimes she would take them on holiday for weeks without telling me.
But she would tell her friends I was a terrible father.
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I couldn’t cope with her behaviour, so eventually, I walked away.
I thought that by distancing myself, I could get better and be the father they needed.
Except, a year later, when I was well enough to see them, none of my children – who were teenagers by then – wanted to speak to me.
I understood: I had abandoned them, but I wanted to explain why. It wasn’t because I didn’t love them, I just needed to heal myself.
They wouldn’t answer my calls and when I attempted to see them on my youngest son’s birthday, my eldest daughter and her mother slammed the door in my face.
I don’t even think my son knew I’d turned up.
Perhaps I should have kept on trying, but it was too heartbreaking. I hoped they would reach out to me, but they didn’t. I’ve never stopped thinking about them.
Now I can see from their Facebook profiles that they’re married with young children themselves.
I have three grandchildren I’ve never met, and it cuts deep.
I’m full of regret and desperate to show them how much I love them.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: It’s likely that your bitter ex brainwashed the children against you.
Keep attempting to reach out in the hope they will eventually see you’re genuine in your wish to reconnect.
Contact standalone.org.uk, a charity which helps people who are estranged from family members, and grandparentsapart.co.uk may be able to help you get in touch with your grandchildren.
It’s also a good idea to ask your GP about counselling to help you work through your emotions.