I found out my dad was a sperm donor who fathered 15 other children – when I date I’m terrified they might be my brother
GROWING up an only child, Sarah Smith always longed for a sister.
Then at the age of 22, a chance remark from a colleague led to a life-changing discovery — she had 15 half-siblings after being conceived by a sperm donor.
Sarah’s parents turned to a donor clinic after her dad was left infertile by cancer, and it was only after his death in 2018 that Sarah found out.
The 27-year-old, who grew up in Singapore and Indonesia and now lives in Cardiff, says her biggest regret is not knowing the truth while her dad was still alive.
She tells The Sun: “I was very shocked but he’s my dad and it doesn’t change that.
“My whole family knew but everyone was sworn to secrecy.
“My mum said she wanted to tell me but my dad said that he didn’t want me to know.
“I understand because the subject would have been taboo to some generations but I wish I’d known all along that my dad went to so much trouble to have me, because it is nice to know how much I was wanted.”
Her story features in upcoming ITV documentary Born From The Same Stranger, narrated by Davina McCall.
It follows donor-conceived kids as they attempt to track down their biological fathers and half-siblings.
I asked why they felt they couldn’t tell me. Mum said she wanted to but once I was born, Dad said he didn’t want me to know, so she respected his wishes.
Sarah Smith
Thanks to a law change, children conceived after April 2005 now have a legal right to information about their donor when they turn 18.
But in the 1990s, donors to sperm banks, which sprung up across the country, were promised anonymity.
Paid £15 a go, nearly 500 men regularly provided samples as growing demand for IVF meant childless couples and single women were searching for donor sperm.
The rise in DNA testing kits — and websites where results can be matched — has meant children born before 2005 have been able to track biological relatives without going through official channels.
Sarah, who works as a tax specialist, was brought up in Singapore with a Singaporean mother and white British father.
She was conceived from a British donor.
Before she knew the truth she came across some paperwork from a sperm bank at the family home — but was put off further investigation by her dad’s reaction.
She says: “My dad reacted really strongly and got angry at me, which I didn’t understand because I thought my parents froze my dad’s sperm because of his earlier cancer.
“I didn’t think much of it at the time but when I was telling my colleague, she said, ‘What if you’re not biologically his daughter?’.
‘Sworn to secrecy’
“I laughed it off but said, ‘I’ll message my mum, just in case’.”
Mum Shyra, who was in Singapore, instantly responded with: “Why are you asking me this now?”.
“That’s how I found out,” says Sarah.
The documentary also follows 33-year-old Liam Renouf, from Jersey, as he tracks down and meets four of his 21 half-siblings.
But Sarah has not been so lucky and is yet to find a sibling.
She says knowing she has 15 half-siblings meant dating in her early twenties was a minefield.
She adds: “I know their ages but I have no idea who they are or where they live.
“They could be anybody passing me in the street.
I know their ages but I have no idea who they are or where they live. They could be anybody passing me in the street. I try not to think about it. It’s really weird
Sarah Smith
“I try not to think about it too much be-cause it’s really weird.
“It made dating really odd because if I dated anyone from those years I had to ask as one of the first questions, ‘You weren’t donor-conceived, were you?’.
“It’s not the sort of thing you want to ask on a first date.”
Sarah, who now has a boyfriend, adds that she was shocked when she first found out she was donor-conceived but, “I was more upset that it was kept from me, because there’s nothing wrong with having used a sperm donor.
“But when we got to sit down and talk about it, Mum told me the whole family knew.
“Everyone was sworn to secrecy, so that was quite difficult.
“I did ask why they didn’t feel like they could tell me and Mum said she wanted to but once I was born, my dad said he didn’t want me to know, so she respected his wishes.”
Although it did not change her view of her dad Howard, who worked for oil companies and with whom she had a close relationship, Sarah says the bombshell made her feel differently about herself.
“Any time someone asks where I’m from, part of me dies inside,” she says.
This has rocketed from 900 in 2006 thanks to single parents and those in female same-sex relationships.
Sun Source
“I look in the mirror and I think ‘What am I looking at? Who is this?’ I used to think it’s because I’m dual heritage and now there’s also the fact I’m donor-conceived.
“I don’t know which of my traits come from this other person.”
She adds that the fact “everyone knew and I didn’t” added to her feeling of being an outsider, but she understands the motives behind the secrecy.
She says: “This thing was bonding everyone else together and I’m on the outside of it, which may have tied into the ‘othering’ feelings I’ve had in my life.
“But when I spoke to my aunts about it, they said, ‘It wasn’t our place to tell you’, which is fair enough.
“They also said that, as time went on, they didn’t even think about it because, ‘You’re just you and we love you’, which was a really nice thing to hear.”
4,100 donor conception births in 2019 — 1 in 170 of all births and nearly 1 in 6 births using IVF.
Sun Source
One of those aunts, Beryl, is seen in the documentary telling her niece how she and Howard’s parents flew the donor sperm out to Singapore, adding that she was relieved not to be stopped by security and was chuffed to be upgraded to business class.
She reveals how they spent the entire long-haul flight with the precious vials “between our legs” and how they shocked a curious flight attendant by telling her the whole story.
“It was only a fortnight later when your Mum found out she was carrying you,” Beryl adds.
“It was very exciting, then you came along and you were wanted.
“We loved you.”
Armed with documents her mother gave her, Sarah went to the UK clinic to find out more.
But because she was born prior to 2005, she was only allowed to access non-identifying information.
This meant that all she learnt was that the donor was “caucasian, height medium, hair colour brown, eyes brown, medium build. Likes music, rugby and squash”.
Over 50% of new sperm donors registered in the UK during 2020 were from abroad — 27% from USA and 21% from Denmark.
Sun Source
She was also told she had 15 siblings conceived from the same donor, who Beryl jokes has “been a very busy boy”.
Hoping to match with a half-sibling, Sarah took a commercial DNA test and uploaded the results to some sites that trace biological family members through other shared results.
She was shocked when she got only one match on the site — and it was her biological father.
The news, captured on camera, sends her reeling and reduces her to tears.
“I don’t really know why that’s hitting me so hard,” she says. “It just got to me.
“There is so much going through my head. I will contact him and I can’t think what it will be like if he responds.
‘Pandora’s box’
“That will open another Pandora’s box.”
Sarah crafted a carefully worded letter, in which she tells the donor: “I have no desire to impose myself on your life or cause any upset.
“I would just really like to get to know you.”
But sadly, his reply said he wished her well but did not want any contact.
“He was very young when he donated and he was told he would never be contacted, it would be completely anonymous,” she says.
“So I don’t hold it against him.”
“But it was a tough response to receive.
“It did feel like rejection and it was difficult to get through that.”
Since 2005 people conceived by donor sperm have had the right, at 18, to info which may identify their donor. Donors cannot find out info about their kids.
Sun Source
Sarah is now pinning her hopes on finding her biological siblings, but that will only be possible if they also register on DNA sites.
“Every time you log in there’s a part of you hoping to find a donor-conceived sibling,” she says.
“But they might be younger or not know they are a donor-conceived person.
“I don’t want to keep checking because it could become an obsession, and I don’t want it to take over my life.”
If she does find a brother or sister, it would be a dream come true — but she is realistic about what that might mean.
“I wouldn’t go into any potential meetings with any expectation,” she says.”
“In an ideal world, I’d love to meet them, to feel a bond and have some sort of positive relationship, but those are big hopes.”
- Born From The Same Stranger is on ITV from Monday at 9pm.