Dull politicians like Rishi & Keir hate mavericks like George Galloway but fed-up voters don’t – and that’s why they win
ALL week we’ve been told that a blanket of despair has enveloped the land, that democracy is now coughing up blood, and our streets will soon be a raging firestorm of hate.
And all because a man in a hat had won a by-election in Rochdale.
So who is this man in a hat and why is everyone so worried about his victory?
Well, he’s called George Galloway and he’s best known for dressing up as a cat on Celebrity Big Brother and pretending to lick from a saucer of milk, while holding hands with the ex-wife of Terry out of Minder.
Politically, he’s all over the place. He supported Saddam Hussein and hates Israel.
Sometimes he sounds like Nigel Farage and sometimes like Trotsky.
He’s been married four times and at a War On Want conference on the island of Mykonos, he met a lot of women and says he had what he called “sexual intercourse” with some of them.
He gets fired a lot, walks out of debates, says mad things about Gaza, speaks well, has a glint in his eye and, like a great many people in Rochdale, I rather like the look of him.
I also think it’s fair to say that Mr Rishi doesn’t.
He was so worried about the man in the hat’s victory, he emerged from behind his bomb-proof door in Downing Street to say that he was going to take control.
But there was no passion.
He sounded like he always does, like he’s talking to care workers at a hospice in Stoke.
This is why Galloway was elected.
It’s why huge numbers of lifelong Labour supporters voted for Boris Johnson.
It’s why they have that chainsaw-wielding madman in Argentina and a ban-the-boats melon woman in Italy.
And it’s why, in America, the people of Georgia voted for Marjorie Taylor Greene, who believes that last year’s forest fires in California were caused by Jewish space lasers.
And this week, in an interview, she told Emily Maitlis to “f*** off”.
We are all being led to believe that things will change if Sir Starmer takes over from Mr Rishi later this year, but we all know they won’t.
Jeremy Clarkson
I know mainstream politicians, with their neat hair and their ready smiles, find all of this deeply disturbing.
But out here, in the actual world, we don’t.
We want to think that the person in charge has some fire in their bellies and some spunk.
We like it when they say what they are thinking, without worrying about how their comments will be viewed by a few saddoes on social media.
We are all being led to believe that things will change if Sir Starmer takes over from Mr Rishi later this year, but we all know they won’t.
These guys are politicians. And what we want now are people like Johnson and Galloway, who aren’t.
MY iPhone broke last week so I have a new one which is identical in every way.
Except – for no reason at all – it needs a different sort of charger.
This means I now need three chargers. One for the phone, one for the earpod things and one for my iPad.
I said recently that the death penalty should only be used on people who drop litter.
But I think I’d make an exception for the idiot at Apple who can’t make his bloody mind up.
FIGURES just in show the average February sea temperature around the world reached 21 degrees.
And that’s bad news for the nation’s middle-aged ladies.
Because when these wild swimming enthusiasts meet up to go for a bracing dip, it’ll be like getting in the bath.
So herr brained
WE were told this week that eating white bread with jam in a morning makes us less attractive.
Instead, we should eat wholemeal bread and cheese.
But I don’t think this would make someone look more attractive.
I think it’d make them look more German.
I WAS horrified this week to read about a man whose electric Jaguar accelerated to 100mph on the motorway and there was nothing he could do to slow it down.
Luckily, I don’t have an electric Jaguar. Mine has a petrol engine.
So if it decides to speed up one day, I can solve the problem by simply turning it off.
BBC is class clown
BOSSES have told BBC producers to start making programmes that resonate with working-class viewers.
The problem with this instruction, however, is that most BBC producers have never actually met a working-class person.
Which means they’re going to have to do a lot of research.
What do working-class people look like? Which of the Spanish Islands do they prefer?
What sort of quinoa do they like on their toast in the morning?
And what sort of sustainability do they want, now that a climate catastrophe is upon us?
I fear it’ll be a case of: “Meet the new shows. Same as the old shows.”
My red flag to a bull
I WENT to the Formula One race in Bahrain last weekend, and as it began I was approached by one of the organisers who wondered if I’d like to wave the chequered flag at the end.
Given that Neymar and Kevin Hart were also in town, I was extremely flattered, so even though I’d had a few beers and maybe some wines as well, I decided to say “yes”.
I mean, what could possibly go wrong?
With a dozen laps to go, I set off from my viewing platform at one end of the pit straight to the little flag-waving box at the other.
No big deal. Plenty of time. Which would have been true if I’d been able to walk in a straight line.
Mercifully, I arrived in the pit lane, opposite the little flag box, as Max Verstappen began his final lap.
I was a little out of breath but even I could cross a road in the time it takes a Formula One car to do a whole lap.
And it was at this point that my equally merry girlfriend, Lisa, announced that she needed a wee.
Right. I see. So we do what? Ask Max to park up at the back of the track until she’d finished?
Even though he could have done that and still won, we decided not to chance it, hurried across the pit lane, plunged into the little box, took control of the flag. And waited for Max to appear round the last corner. Easy.
But it was dark and in the time it takes to think, “Is that a Red Bull?” the car was past me and I’m thinking: “Oh s**t. It was a Red Bull.”
So I was waving the flag as frantically as I could when I realised that it wasn’t a Red Bull.
I’m told that officially, Max Verstappen won the race but the car that took the chequered flag?
Well, I’ve checked the footage and I think it might have been Lance Stroll.
SCIENTISTS in France have been hard at work, trying to understand what causes people to get out of their chairs at a party and head for the dance floor.
Apparently, it’s the effect of syncopation on their left sensorimotor cortex.
No it isn’t.
What gets me on a dance floor is a combination of two things.
Drink, and David Bowie’s Modern Love.