My girlfriend has replaced our sizzling sex life with boozing and now I’m verging on an emotional affair
DEAR DEIDRE: FOR years my girlfriend and I enjoyed an open relationship, and talking about our encounters was a huge turn-on.
But recently the desire has disappeared — for her at least — and now I’m verging on an emotional affair with one of my regular lovers.
I’m 35, my girlfriend is 34 and we’ve been together for more than five years.
About two and a half years ago we decided to open up our relationship.
I’ve had a couple of open relationships before and prefer them to monogamy so I was really pleased when my girlfriend was happy to try it with me.
Within the first year she slept with plenty of other men and enjoyed telling me all about it.
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In return, I would also share news of my adventures with her.
But over the past year we’ve barely had sex and when we do, she lies there hardly interested.
All I can do is guess at the reasons why, as she won’t talk to me. We’ve both put on a bit of weight, partly due to us drinking more and partly because I injured my knees while running.
I’m making a real effort to get fit and healthy again but I’m concerned because she is still drinking heavily. I’m worried she now has a problem.
Whenever I try to discuss my concerns she brushes me off.
I wonder if my weight gain and her drinking has killed her libido. Physical intimacy was so important to us before.
I have been having regular sex with a friend. Now we’re both developing feelings and could easily start an emotional affair.
My partner has always treated me well. We often have weekends away and expensive meals out but I miss her saying, “You look nice” and giving me a cuddle. What can I do to get our relationship back on track?
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: Don’t let your girlfriend fob you off. You need to get to the bottom of her lack of sex drive.
Explain you miss the connection and are worried about her.
While the open relationship worked for you before, you would be wise to put it on hold, at least while you sort out the underlying issues between you and your partner.
If your girlfriend has put on weight she is likely to be feeling self- conscious about that and may be shying away from sex as a result.
Also, although it’s widely believed that drinking alcohol increases sexual desire, arousal and pleasure, the truth is it actually lowers physiological arousal. We know drinking is also a depressant.
In order to save your relationship you will both need to talk honestly about what is going on.
I’m sending you my support packs Looking After Your Relationship and Problem Drinker to help you.