Ask Amy: Friends drift apart over religion
Dear Amy: My friend “Tina” and I have been friends since college and are now in our 50s. When we met we were members of a campus religious organization, however as the years passed we both drifted away from our religious affiliations. I now would call myself agnostic.
Recently, Tina had a difficult break-up with a significant other. Since the split she has returned to religion and now mentions it often, which makes me somewhat uncomfortable, as it seems she may be trying to get me back in the fold.
Over Easter, she went to church and decided that she wanted to be baptized. She scheduled it at a friend’s church three hours away.
She said she would like for me to go, however, I explained that I would not be able to attend due to the short notice.
She was forced to cancel due to a family emergency, but then told me that she would reschedule her baptism so that I could plan on attending.
The problem is, I don’t have any desire to go. While I don’t begrudge her any comfort her faith is bringing her, I am not interested and don’t want to feel pressured to participate.
How do I back out gracefully without hurting her feelings?
— Agnostic
Dear Agnostic: I believe that in this context, honesty is not only called for, but it is also the most graceful way to handle this.
You need to state a version of the following: “I’m very happy for you to have renewed your faith, but over the years we’ve known each other, I’ve made my own choice about religion and don’t participate. I won’t be at your baptism ceremony, but I hope it is a joyous event for you, and I wish you all the very best as you move forward in your faith.”
You can’t really control your friend’s response to this, but while she has the right to affirm her faith, you also have the right to affirm your own stand on religion. Neither of you should proselytize, and you should determine to carry on in an attitude of mutual respect.
Dear Amy: I’m writing to you to ask your opinion of a moral/ethical situation that I am experiencing.
Many years ago, at the time of my mother’s passing, she left a will stating that my brother and I were to share equally in an amount of money that she left in some bonds that she had previously purchased. My mother discussed this with me before she died.
Since she made my brother the executor of her estate, he was able to sell the bonds without my knowing until after Mom’s death. Subsequently, he advised me that there was no money for me (he cashed in the bonds and kept all of the money.)
My brother died last year. I didn’t want to bring up the aforementioned situation at that time, due to my sister-in-law’s health and her intense grief.
But now that it’s almost a full year since he passed, I’d like to know this: Would it be morally/ethically correct if I ask her for the money that my brother “stole” from me?
I know that she most likely didn’t know anything about the fact that he did this.
It upsets me to know that he didn’t honor our mother’s final wishes. I do need the money.
So I’d like your input as to whether or not it would be right for me to pursue this.
— A Wronged Sister
Dear Sister: You had many years to confront your brother and pursue him legally for the money you believe he stole from you, but you didn’t do that. You also don’t mention seeing any will or documentation proving your case.
Now that your brother has died, you would like to confront his completely ignorant and innocent widow in order to pressure her to give you this money.
My opinion is that pursuing this now is both unethical and unkind.
Dear Amy: I’m responding to “Concerned Grandparent,” who watched their grandchild while their son and daughter-in-law worked. Grandparent wanted to allow their granddaughter to take a morning nap, even though her parents were against it.
I think you may have erred on this one.
The parents don’t want their daughter sleeping in the morning. That should be it. It’s their child and they should be the deciding factor in what is best for their child.
— Respectfully Disagree
Dear Disagree: I believe that keeping a tired 15-month-old awake doesn’t seem best for the child.
(You can email Amy Dickinson at askamy@amydickinson.com or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.)