Harriette Cole: Being a supportive wife has backfired on me
I'm alone with the dog, and my husband shows no interest in retiring.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I feel like I’m drowning in my empty home.
My kids have all grown up and moved out, leaving a quiet house behind. My husband seems to be married to his work and spends more time at the office than at home.
With everyone gone, all I have left is our puppy. I adore our furry friend, but obviously, he doesn’t speak the same language as me.
I understand the demands of my husband’s career, and I’ve been a supportive wife for 25 years. Lately, though, it feels like our relationship has taken a back seat to his work commitments, even though he has built a strong status at work and doesn’t need to stay as late anymore. We don’t have to support our three kids anymore, so he should be thinking about retiring soon, but instead, he’s taken on more hours.
The occasional dinners together and rushed conversations in passing hardly seem enough to sustain the connection we once shared.
How do I cope with this loneliness and reconnect with my husband, who seems more interested in his career than in our relationship?
— Empty Nest
DEAR EMPTY NEST: Now that your children are out of the house, you two need to redefine your relationship. Yes, you need to talk about it.
Prepare a special meal, and invite your husband to join you. Let him know you want to talk. Then tell him you want to spend more time with him. Your lives are different now without a houseful of children and family responsibilities. Ask him to envision this new life with you. What would he like to do now that you have more time?
Suggest that he consider retirement. Encourage him to have weekly dates with you where you do something together. Plan a vacation. Socialize with friends.
Ask him to make an effort with you because you are lonely and you need him.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My 28-year-old uncle is currently living with us, and I want him to move out.
He’s my father’s younger brother, and he was laid off from his job due to alcohol abuse. He would typically work for a week, and once he received his paycheck, he would spend all that money on drinking and miss days of work until his funds ran out. This cycle continued, and he was eventually terminated.
Due to his record, it has been challenging for him to secure another job, and he pleaded with my dad to let him stay with us for a few weeks.
It has been five months, and all he does is drink.
I am a college student working part-time to help lessen the burden on my family. I find his behavior extremely frustrating.
I want to ask him to leave, but my father wants to support him, leaving me uncertain about what steps to take.
— Slob Uncle
DEAR SLOB UNCLE: Your uncle is sick, and he needs help. If you look at him as a sick man, it may help you to have some compassion for him.
Since you cannot impact whether he stays or goes, your ability to have empathy for him may help you to endure his presence.
Keep your distance. Do your schoolwork, and continue to support your family in whatever ways you can.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions toaskharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.