I’m pregnant but terrified my secret lover is the father… and not my boyfriend
DEAR DEIDRE: I’M excited to be pregnant because I was told I’d struggle to have kids – but also terrified because my secret lover is the father, and not my boyfriend.
I’m 29 and have been having a fling with a 23-year-old guy I met through the football club — he’s in the men’s team and I’m in the women’s.
We see each other regularly in the club bar after matches.
He is so good-looking, with a fantastic body.
He’s always flirted with me but I ignored his efforts until nine months ago when I agreed to let him walk me home.
We only shared a little kiss that night but soon after we started meeting and I began to enjoy the best sex I’d ever had, when I’d go to his flat.
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My problem is, I live with my boyfriend and we’ve been together for four years but he works all hours.
We haven’t had sex for months and he threatened to finish with me a few months ago, saying I’d let myself go.
He can be really nasty and shouts at me.
He gets cross if people say I’m pretty and that he’s lucky to have me.
Over the last year, I’ve felt a growing distance between us and he’s started lying about who he’s messaging.
I’ve seen him contacting other women and complimenting them over social media.
His behaviour has led me to try to finish with him a couple of times.
Whenever I do get to that stage, though, he turns back on the charm and makes a really big effort with me.
Then, ultimately, I wimp out.
He knew I wanted kids and said he did too so I stayed, only for him to tell me late last year he had changed his mind.
It was then that I gave in to my footballer’s attentions.
My lover thinks my relationship with my boyfriend is over.
He wants the baby and is so excited.
This could be my only chance to be a mum, but how can it work with a 23-year-old?
I feel disgusted and ashamed at myself.
This is not how I imagined becoming a mother.
MORE FROM DEAR DEIDRE
DEIDRE SAYS: I can see why you want to keep this baby, but you’d also be wise to consider if you are ready to become a single parent.
Your affair with your lover is new but it’s a good sign that he is excited about the baby.
Even if you can’t make a relationship work, he would still have a legal obligation to help maintain his child and could be an involved and loving dad.
Whatever you decide about the pregnancy, you must leave your abusive relationship.
Your boyfriend is meeting none of your needs.
Read my support pack Unplanned Pregnancy? as it explains where to get advice.