Harriette Cole: My sister kept the big news from me, and I don’t know why
I feel snubbed at what should be a special moment for us both.
DEAR HARRIETTE: Recently, I discovered that my sister had gotten engaged, but not from my sister directly. Instead, I had to find out from our mom, three weeks after the fact.
As someone who shares a close bond with my sister, I couldn’t help but feel blindsided by her decision to keep such significant news from me. While I understand that everyone has their own way of sharing personal milestones, I can’t shake the feeling of disappointment and exclusion.
I had always imagined being there to celebrate this special moment in my sister’s life, and the fact that I was left out of the loop has me questioning the strength of our relationship. I always thought that we were pretty close, but it turns out I may be wrong.
She is 27, and I am 29. We grew up together, going through the same stages at similar times. I live in North Dakota, and she lives in South Dakota, so we don’t live that far apart, either.
Should I address my feelings with my sister, or is it better to let it go and focus on moving forward positively?
— Snubbed
DEAR SNUBBED: Start out by contacting your sister and congratulating her on her engagement. Let her tell you whatever she wants to share about it, and do your best to be genuinely happy that she has made the commitment to build a life with her partner.
When you feel that she has finished sharing her news, you might ask her why she did not tell you herself. Listen for her answer. Give her space to fill in the blank and don’t jump in quickly to say something if there is an awkward moment.
You can then tell her that it hurt your feelings that she didn’t tell you about her engagement herself. Ask her if she has any issues with you that you may not know about.
Who knows what’s going on? Sibling dynamics can be complicated, and it may not even be about you. This could be your time to talk about any friction that may be dormant in your relationship. If she brushes it off, let it go.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I want to add another suggestion to your reply to “Dependent Brother,” whose brother repeatedly asks for financial help.
There are members of my family who ask me for financial assistance. I, too, have given them loans and have never been paid back. Now, I still help them, but without making it a loan. I pay the bill (the reason for the ask) directly.
I get the company’s name, the account number and any other details needed. I contact the company and make a payment for the asker. That way I know that there will be heat or water in the house, etc., and the money won’t be used frivolously.
— This Bank Is Closed
DEAR THIS BANK IS CLOSED: What a perfect solution! Being able to help a loved one out of a tough financial situation without wondering how your money is being spent can create necessary peace of mind. It means your family member won’t ever be tempted to be dishonest about their situation, inflate their needs or divert funds.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.