Harriette Cole: Can I use this other man to fix my broken marriage?
I want to keep these fluttery feelings without doing anything inappropriate.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been married for many years, and for a lot of them I have been unhappy.
We have been in a sexless marriage for more years than I can count, largely because the romance is gone. I have been OK with that for a long time. I haven’t done well at tolerating the constant arguing, though.
Recently, I met a man when I was leaving the grocery store. He made a complimentary comment about my looks that honestly shocked me. I then saw him in the neighborhood another day, and he invited me to have tea with him. I did.
While nothing has happened, I did start to feel those fluttery feelings inside that I haven’t felt for years — I thought that was dead in me.
I don’t want to do anything inappropriate with this man, but I do want to hang on to the feelings I thought were gone forever. How can I transfer those feelings to my husband?
— Reignited
DEAR REIGNITED: I’m not sure the human body and heart work that way, but you can try.
It sounds like what stirred you up was a man recognizing your beauty, seeing you and appreciating you. That tenderness is something you crave.
Can you remember when you got that from your husband? Perhaps you can create a scenario with him that will make him feel seen as you feel seen. If you can figure out what he craves and set that up along with what you desire, you can create a chance to rekindle your bond.
What won’t help you is starting an affair with the man you met at the grocery store. Handle your own business first. Either reconnect with your husband, or get free of him before you do anything else.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My best friend of 20 years is moving away with her husband and family all the way from Connecticut to Thailand so they can both teach English there.
They will be gone for five years, with the possibility of moving there permanently.
While I’m excited for their new adventure, I can’t help but feel a sense of loss at the thought of her being so far away.
My family and hers have done so much together ever since we both got married and started our families. Ever since we met in college, we have lived in the same town and spent time together often. We’ve celebrated milestones together and shared countless memories.
How do I cope with the void left by her departure? How can I maintain our friendship despite the physical distance between us?
While I’m excited for her new chapter and the opportunities it holds, I can’t shake the feeling of sadness and apprehension about what lies ahead for our friendship. I can handle five years without her, but I’m not sure if I could handle this permanently.
— Goodbye Friend
DEAR GOODBYE FRIEND: Perhaps you don’t have to lose your friend to distance.
Yes, your relationship will change when she and her family go so far away, but it doesn’t have to be the end of your bond. This is where technology can be your friend.
Thanks to the pandemic, most of us learned how to use technology to see and talk to each other from a distance. You can continue to talk regularly. Perhaps you can agree to set a regular time once a week or once a month to catch up. You can plan trips to see each other, not often but sometimes.
Don’t feel like your life together is over. Your friendship is just changing, and you can change with it.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.