Can you bring a birthday cake to a restaurant? Viral pizzeria dispute reveals the rules

A viral confrontation at a New Jersey pizzeria over a child's birthday cake has put a spotlight on the unwritten rules surrounding outside food at restaurants — and what diners and restaurant operators should do when those rules collide.

The controversy began after a family celebrating a 5-year-old's birthday at Joey Tomato's in Point Pleasant Beach, New Jersey, brought a cake into the restaurant and later asked for a knife to cut it. Family members said they had called ahead and received permission, while the owner said Joey Tomato's has a policy prohibiting outside desserts.

A heated exchange with owner Doreen Sullivan-Karcich was captured on video, prompting Joey Tomato's to defend its position and argue that the viral footage lacked the full context of what happened beforehand.

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"We are a pizza restaurant. Not a party venue, not a bakery, not a rental hall," Joey Tomato's said in a social media post responding to the controversy.

The pizzeria said it has policies governing outside food for reasons including "food safety, liability" and keeping operations running smoothly. Joey Tomato's also pushed back against criticism of its stance.

"These policies aren't up for public vote just because one moment enforcing them got recorded," Joey Tomato's said.

It added in jest that it was considering a new tagline: "We don't do cake. We do pizza."

So, what is the proper etiquette?

"In terms of someone bringing in food from another restaurant or even from home, it's always best to ask in advance," according to etiquette expert Diane Gottsman, owner of the Protocol School of Texas in San Antonio.

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Restaurants that allow outside cakes may charge a cutting fee, Gottsman noted.

"All in all, I think there's nothing wrong with bringing something in as long as you get permission first," she said.

If a customer gets it wrong, however, restaurant employees can enforce the policy without escalating the situation, Gottsman said. She recommended having a manager approach the table rather than putting the responsibility on a server.

"A manager could come up and say, 'If you'd excuse me, I just want to let you know it's our policy not to let outside food come in,'" Gottsman said, noting there could be health or allergy concerns behind such rules.

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The manager can then politely ask that the food not be served while offering an alternative.

"'I apologize. May I get you something? May we bring you something?'" Gottsman said. "All of these kindnesses really go a long way."

Robert Mahon, managing partner of Mahon Hospitality Group in New York City, said his restaurants allow customers to bring birthday cakes, preferably with advance notice.

"Even in cases where they haven't called ahead, we certainly wouldn't want to cause a scene or take away from someone's celebration," Mahon said.

The restaurant owner lost her credibility by reacting the way she did, Gottsman said.

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"You can do it. You can just do it with some decorum," Gottsman said. 

"Sometimes we have to set our boundaries, but we set our boundaries with professionalism, with kindness, with compassion and consideration."

For Mahon, whatever pressures a restaurant is facing should remain out of public view.

"Customers come to enjoy themselves and celebrate special occasions, and whatever is happening behind the scenes shouldn't affect their experience," he said.