11 Things I Wish I'd Known About Dating In My Thirties
Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all….
Your present happiness is more important than your past expectations.
In your twenties, you may have dreamed of a big white wedding and a couple of kids. In your thirties, there's every chance the person you meet will already have done this with someone else.
Letting go of something you spent many years thinking would happen for you can be hard. I spent a lot of my thirties hoping I'd find myself in the right situation to have children. Then when I was 37, I accepted it wasn't meant to be. Yes, I was a bit sad. It was like grieving for the life I thought I would have had, but I'd also seen the reality and how tough parenthood could be. Taking the pressure off myself was a huge relief.
I learned that it's OK to change your mind and let go. You don't have to do something just because it's something you always expected you'd do. The most important thing is that you're happy and true to who you are now.
And you don't have to live up to other people's expectations, either.
I spent most of my thirties in a frenzy fretting about finding a man, settling down, and having babies, thinking it was what my parents wanted. Many of my friends felt the same.
Yes, some people meet the right person and get a house, get engaged, get married, have a couple of kids, and that’s great and brings them a lot of happiness.
But when you don’t fit into that mould, people can't seem to comprehend why.
I remember wanting the world to swallow me up, and my poor mum too, when one of her friends asked, "When are you going to give your mum some grandchildren?" In the middle of Marks and Spencer!
But if you’re not so lucky in love or you just don’t want kids, it’s not as simple as that, and the pressure you feel to conform to what everyone else seems to be doing can be really distressing.
Sure, my parents would love to have little kids in their lives, but that doesn't mean I have to go force my dating life into an unhappy settlement to meet that hope. Besides, nieces and nephews, godchildren, and friend's children can bring the same joy and energy to a family. After all, family comes in lots of different forms, as Melanie Notkin's Otherhood explains, and if having your own children isn’t the right path for you, that’s OK.
The relationships you already have are enough.
It’s easy to beat yourself up and feel like a dating disaster zone when you’re single in your thirties. But it's important to remember that relationships aren’t just about boyfriends and girlfriends. And you don't need a romantic partner to have a fulfilling life filled with friends who have been by your side for decades.
If I'm feeling down about the dating game, I like to think about the qualities my friends love about me, or even ask them to tell me themselves. Focusing on those relationships reminds me that I am the kind of person others want to be around, that I don't have to be settling down with a partner in order to feel loved.
Mackenzie Kruvant / BuzzFeed
And remember that positive relationships aren't limited to people!
I'm going to sound slightly nuts now, but one of my most rewarding relationships in my thirties was with my dog, Daisy.
Daisy was my friend's dog, and I took her in for a few weeks when she had a baby. We fell in love, and luckily I was allowed to keep her forever.
When I was single and lonely, having a living creature to consider stopped me moping, and her unconditional love gave me a more positive outlook on life and myself.
She helped sort the wheat from the chaff with the guys I dated, too. You can tell a lot about a person by the way they are with animals, and if they weren't that bothered about Daisy, I figured they weren't that bothered about me.
(If you can't have a dog, try walking pooches at your local rescue centre or Borrowmydoggy.com.)
BuzzFeed / Rachel Spencer