Harriette Cole: I’m terrified of seeing my brother because of his dogs
Plus: I'm giving my husband a second chance but he refuses to change.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My brother has a lot of dogs, and I am afraid of them.
I am going to his city soon and want to be able to spend some time with him. I should also mention that he is a homebody. In order for me to see him, I have to go to his house.
I am petrified of the idea of going there when his dogs are around. I am especially afraid to spend the night there, although that’s what I used to do whenever I visited him in the past.
How can I get over my fear? Or what else can I do if I want to see my brother?
Afraid of Dogs
DEAR AFRAID OF DOGS: You and your brother both have fears. You are afraid of his dogs, and it sounds like he is afraid to venture out. You have always acquiesced to him. Perhaps it’s time for that to stop — at least in part.
Ask your brother to put his dogs away while you visit. Make sure he agrees to that before you arrive. Limit your visit to a comfortable amount of time that allows you two to spend time together without encroaching on the natural course of life for him and his dogs.
Do not spend the night. You do not have to do that. Arrange to visit with him for one day. Either go to a nearby hotel after your visit ends or arrange for your flight home to come after you spend time with him.
You do not have to spend the night at your brother’s house if you feel uncomfortable. Just leave.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I decided to give my husband a second chance after he and I went through a bad patch. I prayed on it and realized that I would rather recommit to him than whatever the alternative may be.
The thing is, he hasn’t done the same. He continues to bully me, chastise me and generally treat me like crap.
I realize that this is going to work only if we both make the commitment. I have tried to get him to go to counseling with me, but he refuses. He is old-school in that way and believes that therapy is for weak people.
In the meantime, he continues to do all of the things that bother me. I have generally spoken up about the way he interacts with me, but to no avail.
He didn’t act like this when we first got together. But he sure does dig in his heels and act mean now. How do I keep a positive attitude when he is so negative?
All Alone
DEAR ALL ALONE: Go to therapy for yourself.
You cannot fix your relationship on your own; the two of you need to work on it together. But in therapy you may learn tools that will help you to show up differently that may inspire change in your husband.
At the very least, therapy can help you look at your life and your choices to see how your thoughts and behaviors impact the way you interact with others, including your husband.
It can be true that when people change their attitudes about a person or situation, the outcomes can change as well. Your behavior can potentially inspire your husband to show up differently. With professional help, see what you can inspire.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.