Miss Manners: I want to talk about my problems, not listen to theirs

A few of my friends act like they're calling to make me feel better but then they won't let me vent.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I’ve had a tough year, and am blessed with friends who keep in contact to make sure I’m OK.

My problem is that I have a few friends who call or invite me out under the guise of giving me a chance to vent, but they end up doing the majority of the talking. They also make me feel worse because they share all that’s wrong in their lives, compounding what is going on in mine.

I tried having a conversation with one friend to explain she was making me feel worse than I did before she called, but she didn’t get it. I’ve started blocking some of these people for my mental health.

Is there a pragmatic way of handling these Chatty Cathys and Debbie Downers without ceasing all contact with them?

GENTLE READER: You expect your friends to let you monopolize the conversation by reciting your problems, but do not want to have to listen to theirs? You will forgive Miss Manners if she does not get your explanation either.

My brother’s family and my aunt and uncle all have clear qualms about queer relationships. I think they’d also be offended not to be invited. I would like to find the most gracious means to handle this.

GENTLE READER: The most gracious thing would be to invite them, as this demonstrates trust that they are fundamentally decent and care about you as a member of their family first, putting any other opinions they may hold second.

But Miss Manners infers that past behaviors have convinced you that such trust would be misplaced, and that they will be unpleasant no matter what you do. Better, then, to omit them from the guest list and leave it at that. They will learn about the nuptials and can gnash their teeth without any action on your part.

DEAR MISS MANNERS: I invited a group to dinner at my home to celebrate the expected return of another friend from a long residence overseas. The guest of honor immediately suggested I change the date to better match the schedule of another guest; I did so.

Then I learned that several of the guests had a private conversation to set up an even better date for all of them as an alternative. I was not privy to this conversation until after they had decided on a new date — one on which I was not available to attend, much less host.

In the meantime, the original invitation was still out there, though I now knew that most of the guests had planned another event. How should I have treated the original invitation?

GENTLE READER: As your guests are likely as confused about the original invitation as Miss Manners, she suggests you call everyone to review the bidding. This will involve another round of calls, but will also give you the opportunity to appear gracious while making it clear that you have been cheated out of your plan.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.