Harriette Cole: Is he just using this as an excuse not to marry me?
I said we could just do it at the courthouse but he said no.
DEAR HARRIETTE: My fiance and I were supposed to get married at the start of next year, but that was before he decided to pursue his master’s degree in legal studies. Now, all of his time and energy are going to his education, and our wedding has to be put on the back burner until he finishes.
I know his degree is important, and I’m really proud of him, but I can’t help but be disappointed. I even suggested a small courthouse ceremony, but he refused because he said he wanted a large ceremony.
Is it wrong for me to be upset? I know it sounds silly, but I can’t help feeling that maybe he doesn’t really want to marry me, and his master’s degree is a convenient excuse to put off our wedding.
— Overthinking
DEAR OVERTHINKING: The fact that your fiance changed the rules without consulting you is concerning.
Yes, it’s great that he is getting his master’s degree, but as you plan a life together, it is critical for you to plan out the big steps together. That may be what’s bothering you the most.
Tell him you want to sit down with him and plot out the next few years. Admit that it has upset you that he made such a big decision without talking to you, and you are concerned about how the two of you will work together to make decisions for your life.
Get him to agree to map out a strategy together. Otherwise, there’s a good chance he will continue to make big decisions independently, and that will not work.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I’m a 50-year-old woman who recently divorced her husband. We had been married for 20 years and mutually decided to end the relationship because we didn’t feel any genuine love between us anymore.
I now find myself co-parenting our three teenage daughters with my ex. I’m feeling overwhelmed by the responsibilities and changes in my life. Balancing work, parenting and self-care has become a daunting challenge.
I also find myself feeling lonely when my children are away at their dad’s house, and I’m wondering if I made the right choice.
Can you provide some advice on how to navigate this new chapter to ensure a healthy and happy environment — not only for my daughters, but for me as well?
— What’s Next?
DEAR WHAT’S NEXT? You have to give yourself time to adjust to your new life. Transitioning from a 20-year way of living to something new takes time and patience.
You need to establish new routines, especially during your alone time. What do you enjoy doing solo? Reading? Taking walks? Going to the gym? Try things out to see what interests you.
You also have to put yourself out there. Cultivate interests that take you out of your comfort zone and put you in the company of others. Look to see what cultural activities are happening in your neighborhood. Get up and go to something.
Your joy is important for your daughters’ well-being, as they can sense your state of mind. If you need more support, go to a therapist who can help you sort through this period of transition.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.