Harriette Cole: My in-laws expect me to follow their household routine
I'm overwhelmed by the expectations that come with living in their house.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am married and we have been living with my in-laws for the past few months.
Living with them has brought a unique set of challenges, as it involves merging two different households and navigating different dynamics.
One of the main difficulties I have encountered is the clash of expectations and routines. My in-laws have their own way of doing things, and it often conflicts with what I am accustomed to. This has led to misunderstandings and occasional disagreements, causing tension within the household.
I must admit, it has been quite tough. I’m feeling overwhelmed and uncertain about what steps to take next.
Can you offer any guidance or advice on how to live in this situation?
— Uncertainty
DEAR UNCERTAINTY: You have less power here because you are living in their house.
To survive and thrive, you will need to learn their expectations first and then slowly work to soften some of their rules (probably not many) to incorporate your natural ways of doing things. It’s all about communication.
Ask for a meeting with your spouse and your in-laws, or even just you and whoever runs the house.
Apologize for any misunderstandings that may have occurred thus far, and ask if you can clarify expectations in the home. Specifically ask what roles and responsibilities they expect you to take on as well as any particular ways they like to do certain things. Then respectfully tell them that you have some ideas about how to handle certain tasks and ask for them to consider those ideas.
Over time, with constant, respectful communication, you should be able to get them to incorporate at least some of your ideas.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I am reaching out to seek your guidance and advice regarding a personal struggle I have been facing with obsessive-compulsive behavior. It has been a challenging journey.
One of the most challenging aspects of OCD is the persistent and intrusive thoughts that often revolve around themes such as cleanliness, orderliness or fears of harm or contamination.
These thoughts can be overwhelming and lead to significant distress and anxiety. It feels as if my mind is trapped in a cycle of repetitive, irrational thoughts that are difficult to control or dismiss. It also emerges as an attempt to alleviate the anxiety.
Can you please enlighten me on how I can overcome this?
— Personal Struggles
DEAR PERSONAL STRUGGLES: What you have described reads like a clinical description of someone suffering from obsessive-compulsive disorder. Hopefully that means you have been diagnosed and are under medical care.
The most important thing I can say to you is that you should be in therapy and engaged with the full professional support of someone who knows how to treat you.
I do not have the skills to give you advice on how to manage this illness. In doing some research, I found that the International OCD Foundation encourages people with this condition to face their illness head-on: literally going toward the obsessive-compulsive thoughts and behaviors rather than running away from them.
The foundation suggests that it’s a waste of time to try to stop your thoughts, so “Your motto should be, ‘If you want to think about them less, think about them more.'”
They also discourage you from enlisting the support of friends in tackling your challenges, as they really cannot help. So please get the professional help you need so you don’t have to go it alone. For more suggestions, read: iocdf.org/expert-opinions/25-tips-for-ocd-treatment.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to askharriette@harriettecole.com or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.