Miss Manners: Does my neighbor really think this makes things right?
Or should I assume she was deliberately rude in giving me imitation vanilla, which I will never use, ever?
DEAR MISS MANNERS: My neighbor needed vanilla extract for a recipe and asked if I had any. I gave her a new bottle of extract, saying, “Replace it when you can.”
She replaced it with a bottle of imitation extract. I will never use imitation vanilla, ever.
What do I do? Do I say something or just chalk it up to her being rude?
GENTLE READER: “Oblivious” might be more accurate. Miss Manners would rather attribute the mistake to benign ignorance than willful malice.
Some unfortunate people simply do not know the difference between their vanillas. Etiquette dictates that if you feel compelled to educate them, you do so kindly, without accusation, and in another context.
DEAR MISS MANNERS: I was raised right and know my forks and honorifics, but it seems some rules may have changed.
I find myself frequently unsure whether something is a gift, in which case I’d simply say “thank you,” or if I should offer reimbursement. To wit:
1. A close friend’s daughter was traveling to a European city in which I’d lived years ago. The daughter texted me and asked if I’d like to have something from there. I said “why, yes,” and she brought me the item I requested. Gift or reimburse? Does it matter that the daughter is a college student and was traveling on a scholarship?
2. I’m traveling across the country to visit my daughter for the holidays. Her boyfriend’s family is hosting the main holiday meal. They asked if I’d like to go with them to a (pricey) event the day after. Gift or reimburse?
3. In conversation over lunch at work, I shared that I hadn’t been able to find a particular brand of beer that my husband especially likes. A colleague turned up a few days later with a six-pack he’d found at a specialty grocery. Gift or reimburse? Does it matter that the colleague is subordinate to me, though I am not his supervisor?
In each case, I’ve assumed these items were gifts and have said a hearty “thank you,” but I wonder if I’m right.
GENTLE READER: If there is even a remote chance that something was not a present, it is far more gracious to ask and be rebuffed than to have assumed incorrectly.
In each of the cases you cite, there seems to Miss Manners to be room for interpretation. If the traveling daughter had brought you an unsolicited souvenir, it would definitely be a present. But your having dictated what it was makes it questionable.
The boyfriend’s family may have had an extra ticket they were happy to get use out of — or they may have felt it polite to include you, as you were in from out of town. The exorbitant cost of the ticket makes it worth asking.
And while the colleague one was most likely a gift, any question of subordinance makes it prudent to ask.
In each case, all that need be said is, “That is so kind. May I reimburse you?” Unless someone is actively looking for an insult, it would be a stretch to find this offensive.
If they were indeed presents, the giver could simply say, “Don’t be silly. It was my pleasure.”
Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, dearmissmanners@gmail.com; or through postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.