Our poor long-suffering fellas have a new hardship – the MANopause. I might be feministy, but what a load of b*****ks
THANK God men, praise be, are finally being “seen”.
After years, nay centuries, of invisibility, inequality and neglect, you chaps over 50 are, at long, long last, being recognised for all the hardships and struggle of, well, being male.
Yep, dozens of police forces, councils, universities and fire services are giving back — and recognising, wait for it, the male menopause.
Nope, this isn’t an April Fool’s joke six months late.
In a further erosion of a woman’s prerogative to be hot-flushy, lethargic and generally pretty miz, woke bosses — surely male? — have decided to give men another thing to reclaim. (Rolls eyes). What, for years, has cheerfully been seen as “the midlife crisis” is being rebranded.
It’s now not enough for men to just covet a Ferrari and an affair with the twentysomething secretary.
No, now men need a TERM.
Despite the fact the male menopause — better known as andropause, ie. ageing — isn’t a clinically proven medical condition, the recommendations include letting firefighters swap shifts or “work from home on an ad-hoc basis if they’ve had a rough night”.
At a time when public confidence in cops is at an all-time low, police forces are being encouraged to adopt “agile and flexible” working practices to “help, support and guide all officers” dealing with menopause, regardless of gender.
Er, what? Several NHS trusts have now put menopause policies in place, while the East Midlands Ambulance Service is reportedly allowing men to take up to a year’s paid leave if they are “ill”.
So what is this unicorn illness we’ve only just, hallelujah, discovered?
Helpfully, bosses at Walsall Council have the answer. Apparently men, too, can suffer “irritability, depression, loss of muscle mass, reduced ability to exercise, insomnia or increased tiredness, poor concentration and short-term memory, lack of libido and erectile dysfunction”.
You poor lambs.
A real kick in the cajones after all that hassle with childbirth, painful periods and missing out on thousands of pounds thanks to that beastly gender pay gap. Oh, wait . . .
Doctors say around a fifth of ageing men will experience some decline in testosterone levels, but for most it will make little difference to their lives.
The clue, here, is in the word “ageing”.
Get in on the act
Meanwhile, a whopping two per cent of 40 to 80-year-olds will experience sexual symptoms with it.
That’s what Viagra is for, lads.
At the risky of sounding all feministy, here, this really is a load of b******s.
There’s a reason why women threw themselves under horses, starved in prison cells and chained themselves to railings.
And it wasn’t to get grumpy, floppy-willied, middle-aged men some time off work.
It’s because for hundreds of years we’ve been regarded as second-class citizens. Chattel. Inferior beings.
Things incapable of voting for a political party, having the same jobs as our penised friends, or getting paid the same as them.
It’s because, for civilisation to continue, we are the ones who have to get fat for nine months and pop out a sprog at the end of it.
Then look after said sprog while being paid peanuts.
It’s because periods really aren’t fun — and, to boot, they’re an expensive hobby.
And it’s because the menopause is an ACTUAL FACT — a really s**tty one which can seriously impact a woman’s physical and mental health.
At a time when employers are, at last, recognising the female condition, of course men are now itching to get in on the act.
They want to reclaim our pain and muscle in, with their marginally decreased testosterone, on our biology.
It’s woke eating woke.
Just buy the Ferrari, guys.
SO, I am ten days into Sober October and becoming increasingly, annoyingly, evangelical about the perks of sobriety.
So far, all the usual benefits – better sleep, more energy, increased enthusiasm for, ya know, life.
Except there is one strange side-effect – I am CONSTANTLY craving (and monstering) sugar, in the form of chocolate, brownies, ice cream – anything I can get my greedy little paws on.
Apparently it’s because my poor, wine-addled body is seeking substitute sweetness for that usually found in my Savvy B.
Weight loss out the window, then.
Leave Cath to her golf
NOTHING demonstrates better the double standards faced by men and women than the mysterious case of Catherine Zeta Jones’s changing face.
Yep, bafflingly, a woman of 53 no longer looks as she did aged 23.
The Welsh star was pictured playing golf in Scotland last week, and she faced a barrage of “below the line” comments and online abuse from armchair commentators.
“WHAT HAS SHE DONE TO HER FACE?”, was the gist of it.
If a woman in showbiz ages naturally, she is told she’s letting herself go.
If she has the odd tweakment here and there, she’s labelled vain, desperate and fake. She literally cannot win.
Film is a mutt watch
AGED 87, film director Ken Loach remains terrifyingly prescient.
Especially as he only has full sight in one eye.
Anyway, on Sunday night I saw his latest movie, The Old Oak – a compassionate refugee drama about a group of poor, war-torn Syrians forced to flee to an old northern mining town.
I loved it.
But forget the warm, fuzzy socialist message – *spoiler alert*: one of the most traumatic scenes is when main character TJ’s beautiful and beloved rescue dog Marra runs off . . . into the jaws of two XL bully-esque brutes and is mauled to death (I sobbed).
But the film was shot in May 2022 – long before the current violent-dog epidemic came to light.
As is the case now, the film makes clear the problem isn’t the animals – it’s the evil, “status”–craving owners.
They’re the ones who need putting down.
Love it, Miriam
QUOTE of the week from actress Miriam Margoyles . . .
“Tom Baker wanted me to be his sidekick,” she recalls, cheerfully.
“But they wouldn’t have it because I was too fat – I couldn’t fit in the Tardis.”
And thus ended Miriam’s Doctor Who career before it had even begun.
A close second place goes to ex-England rugger player Mike Tindall, husband of Zara Phillips.
The sportsman revealed during a podcast this week: “The Princess of Wales is very competitive at beer-pong.”
Up shoots Kate Middleton in my estimation.
Do try a slice of Brie
ONE to watch: Apple TV’s forthcoming series, Lessons In Chemistry, starring Brie Larson.
Based on my absolute favourite novel of last year, the show is bound to make a SUPERSTAR of canine actor Gus, who plays Six-Thirty – the loyal, loveable dog with a vocab of 981 words.(Which is approximately 980 more than my own creature, Dora).
The 1950s-set story follows a female scientist who becomes a famous TV chef, using chemistry to teach the masses how to cook.
Give it a go. Or read the truly brilliant book.
DEFINE “First World problems” in 19 words.
“A shortage of hazelnuts could spoil Christmas for Ferrero Rocher lovers as low rainfall and insect problems threaten supply”.
Yep, headlines yesterday bemoaned freak climate prob-lems happening in Turkey, where 70 per cent of the planet’s hazelnut crop is produced.
Christmas is cancelled, kids.
Avoid a war of words
THE ongoing situation in the Middle East is as horrific as it is heartbreaking.
And the BBC’s stubborn refusal to brand Hamas as disgusting terrorists is awful.
But to be clear, it is not Islamophobic to detest Hamas. Nor is it anti-Semitic to dislike Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu’s treatment of Palestinians.
It is, though, Islamophobic and anti-Semitic to attack innocent Muslims and Jews for the actions of these two powers.