I caught my husband reminiscing with his ex over text

DEAR DEIDRE: My partner has been messaging his ex and telling her he misses her. 

Even though he hasn’t cheated physically, it feels like he’s had an affair, and I’m gutted. 

We’ve been living together for nine years. I’m 37 and he’s 38, and we have one son, seven.

I had the feeling something was up with him. He’d been distant for months.

One evening, when he was taking a shower, I snuck a look at his phone.

I found a string of messages to his ex-girlfriend – his first love – saying he can’t stop thinking about her. 

In the messages, they were reminiscing about their relationship. There was nothing obviously sexual, but it was a betrayal.

I felt sick, as I realised he’d texted her when he was out with me and our son, or while we were watching a film.

I told him what I’d seen. He was angry that I’d looked at his phone and said he’d been feeling unhappy and unappreciated.

He claimed he would never have met up with her or taken things further. She’s happily married. 

But I feel like he would have slept with her if the opportunity had presented itself.

He wants to sort things out, but I no longer feel I can trust him.

What should I do?

DEIDRE SAYS: Emotional affairs can hurt just as much, if not more, than physical cheating. 

Your partner should have told you he was unhappy. But on some level you did know, or you wouldn’t have looked at his phone.

It’s understandable that you are wondering whether you should walk away. 

However, you have a young child together, and breakieng up your family would have a huge impact on him.

Trust can be rebuilt if both partners make an effort. See my support pack, Cheating, Can You Get Over It? for more advice.

Try to get to the bottom of what has gone wrong between you.

Relationship counselling could really help. Contact Tavistock Relationships (tavistockrelationships.org, tel: 020 7380 1960).