How we stopped children’s constant tantrums by not punishing her, never shouting and letting her have sweets for dinner
AFTER a busy week, there’s nothing better than a chilled glass of wine in the pub, or a relaxing weekend brunch with friends at your local cafe.
But thanks to a new generation of permissive parents, that cosy chat you were longing for is likely to be disrupted by badly behaved kids who, if not shrieking or running wild, will be stabbing away at noisy iPads with sticky, impatient fingers.
Mummy and Daddy, meanwhile, will be smiling benignly at them, seemingly oblivious to the fact that — thanks to what they term “gentle parenting” — your precious downtime is being destroyed by their discipline-starved tearaways.
But for everyone who objects to this soft approach to childcare, there are many who swear by it.
Camilla Miller says her little girl’s “terrible twos” phase lasted for two years and her tantrums were out of control, despite her being reprimanded regularly.
The mum of two eventually reached breaking point and, having tried traditional methods of discipline, decided she would never shout at her children again.
“The turning point came when Libby had a huge tantrum in a supermarket, aged four,” says Camilla, 48.
“I broke down in tears. She’d started having full-blown tantrums aged two and they went on for two years.
Ditched naughty step
“I couldn’t take her on playdates or leave her with my parents.
“Friends suggested I needed to be stricter, so I tried punishing her with ‘time outs’ and rewarding good behaviour. But nothing worked.
“And every time I shouted at her, I was full of guilt. There had to be another way.”
In 2009, Camilla decided to reject the methods of her own parents — from the baby boomer generation — and adopt a more gentle, empathetic approach.
From then on, she ditched punishments like the naughty step and stopped raising her voice.
And she’s not the only parent to do so. In recent years, phrases like “gentle parenting”, “soft parenting” and “positive parenting” have been hashtagged millions of times on Facebook, Instagram and TikTok.
Bloggers have made careers out of teaching parents to unlearn everything they know about setting strict boundaries and dishing out punishments if rules are broken.
Critics say this “unparenting” trend is raising a generation of over- indulged, self-obsessed snowflakes.
One Mumsnet user argued: “There’s gentle parenting and plain old lazy parenting. Kids need boundaries as well as love, understanding and patience and that includes hearing the word NO often.”
But Camilla insists her change of tack worked for her children, Jack, 16, and Libby, 14.
“On Google I found a parenting plan called ‘language of listening’ about better communication with children,” she says.
“I started talking to my daughter about managing her frustrations, so she could gain confidence in regulating her behaviour.
“After a few months there were no tantrums and her reason was: ‘Because now you understand me, Mummy’.”
At first, not everyone was very supportive. “My mother-in-law dismissed it as ‘modern nonsense’ and said it would never work as well as a good telling off,” says Camilla, now a parenting coach.
“Friends voiced doubts too, but soon started doing the same.
“Just because I don’t punish them, it doesn’t mean I don’t set boundaries or have high expectations for their behaviour.”
Camilla, who lives with her children and husband Nicholas, 53, near Worthing, West Sussex adds: “Today, I love the relationship I have with my kids.
“They don’t keep secrets from me because they know they can tell me anything without punishment.
“People assume that means my kids are out-of-control brats, but they’re both considerate.”
Up until the Noughties, an authoritarian style of parenting — famously advocated by TV’s Supernanny — was the popular approach.
But in the early 2010s, influencers and authors started to explore new, more “respectful” approaches.
Parenting expert and author of New Old-Fashioned Parenting, Liat Hughes Joshi, says: “There is a trend for mums to throw out the old-fashioned rule book.
“This is down to two main things: less pressure to conform to the done thing, and social media.
“Most parents look less to their own mums for guidance and are more likely to get ideas from social media.”
But Liat believes this parenting style is dangerous.
“The problem with this approach is that, in all areas of life, there are rules and this way of parenting means kids are getting confusing messages from parents.
“You can do whatever you want at home, but head to school — or later, work — and you need to switch to doing what others expect and ask you to.
“Generally, children thrive with rules and boundaries. It’s how they feel secure.
“And kids who live without rules are not good for the rest of us to be around, be it when they are knocking into you in a doctor’s waiting room, or eating in a restaurant with their mouths open.”
But many parents are adamant the approach works.
This week, actress Sarah Jessica Parker, 59, confessed she lets her 14-year-old twin daughters Marion and Tabitha eat as much sugar as they like.
The And Just Like That star who is also mum to James, 21, said: “When I had girls, I didn’t want them to have a relationship with food that was antagonistic.
“We weren’t allowed sugar in the house or chocolate or cookies, so of course, the minute we moved out, we bought loads of cakes and cookies and I didn’t want that for them.
“In our house we have cookies, we have cake, we have everything.”
Leah Samson follows the same approach and believes giving her children freedom to make their own choices — including what they eat — has paid off.
“It’s called ‘permissive eating’,” says Leah, 44. “I loosened the reins from toddlerhood — they help themselves to whatever they want, whenever they want.
“Friends were often shocked when they saw my children chowing down on sweets for dinner.”
Leah Samson
“Around age seven, they wanted to only eat sweets, chocolates and crisps, so I let them.
“For months, between the ages of five and eight, I felt like I was only serving chicken nuggets and chips. The kids refused vegetables and ate lots of sweets. I worried they would be ill.
“Friends were often shocked when they saw my children chowing down on sweets for dinner.”
Despite knowing she would be judged, Leah has never wavered.
Now, with her children — Hannah, 17, Joshua, 15, and David, 14 — on the cusp of adulthood, she believes she was right.
“I had to be patient,” says Leah, who lives with husband Moses, 48, in St Albans, Herts.
“By the age of 12, each of my children no longer wanted biscuits for tea, they wanted a proper diet.
“I talked about good body fuel and showed them pictures of people with decayed teeth who had eaten lots of sweets to ensure they had the information.
“Making kids eat a rigid diet of specific foods leads to mood swings and tantrums.
“My husband and I are healthy eaters, so the kids see us eat nutrient-dense foods. Now, my teens opt for healthy food over junk food and they have no problems with their health or teeth.
“If more parents unlearnt some of those old parenting ‘rules’ like me, more children would be healthier and happier.”
‘Crushed by teachers’
Gentle parenting can extend to schooling, too.
Sarah McCalden ditched school completely for her two children, Hunter, 14, and Finn, 12.
The financial adviser and her artist husband Frederick, 47, from Newcastle upon Tyne, says: “When Hunter was five we moved from New Zealand to the UK.
“Where we had lived, kids don’t go to school until they’re six, so Hunter was considered to be ‘behind’ when he enrolled at junior school here.
“I remember going to see his teacher one day. When Hunter saw me outside the classroom, he ran over for a hug.
“The teacher shouted to get back inside the classroom, and I hated that he was treated as less than human.
“I then got a new job, which required me to attend events in Australia, so we took the kids out of school, with permission, and spent the next four months travelling as a family.
“A few friends were shocked, saying, ‘Won’t they get behind?’. I was surprised at their ignorance.
“In my opinion, very little teaching happens in school before the GCSE years. Teachers are no more than glorified babysitters.
“While travelling, the boys blossomed into confident children. I couldn’t bear the idea of putting them back in school and having their spirits crushed by teachers, so I decided to home school them.”
Sarah, 45, says her sons are far more independent as a result of not being traditionally schooled.
“They’re freer thinkers and are able to have proper conversations,” she says.
“Hunter attends a business studies club where he’s learning how to create a business.
“He would never be doing that if he was ploughing through useless homework.”
But Liat advises caution to any mums thinking of following Sarah’s lead.
She says: “It is no surprise these mums and their fellow parents are tearing up the rule book, as it seems to be working for them.
“But it is important for kids to have nutritious meals to grow and develop their brains.
“Home schooling is fine, as long as the kids are actually learning, because little ones need all the stimulation they can get.”